Assula

Ass + spatula. This is the spatula your mom used to beat your ass with when you were bad. Usually large enough to flip a 12" pancake, and strong enough withstand a 300 degree flame. Often contained a homing device so when you broke something in the house and went to hide the assula before your mom found the broken item, your mom could always find it to come beat some ass.

My mom was so proud of her assula that she had it bronzed.

I still have nightmares of my mother running down the hallway at me, assula in hand.

Gut Cover

Anything used to mask or hide the existence of your gut.

I was sitting on the couch and used a pillow as a gut cover.

I untuck my shirt in the front so as to make people think it's just an untucked shirt and not all gut.

I wear a t-shirt in the pool as a gut cover.

Women are lucky because if they have large boobs, it pulls the shirt out beyond their gut, doing 2 things: 1) providing an effective gut cover and 2) providing a distraction to pull the eyes away from the gut cover to stare at the ample tittlery.

Sweaters that are ribbed at the waist provide an excellent gut cover.

All overweight male porn stars should quit. However, if they must work in porn, please always make them wear a t-shirt as a gut cover.

Women in porn who wear a garter belt as a gu(n)t cover... it doesn't work, we can still see that In-N-Out buger on your gunt. Especially with the arrival of HD porn.

Folding your arms over your belly while you are sitting down makes a terrible gut cover. Stop doing that.

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anniversary

for her: the date on which you had your first date, or the day on which you were married.

for him: the date on which she... first blew you, fucked you, gave you a handjob, let you go brown, let you earn your red wings, swallowed your gob for the first time, let you go ass to mouth, kissed another hot chick in front of you, gave you a bloagie, or gave you a blumpkin.

I gave her flowers for our wedding anniversary, but got nothing on our bloagie anniversary. Weird.

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bottle shopper

A girl who goes to the store to shop for the perfect size bottle to masterbate with.

My girlfriend is a bottle shopper. She spent 30 minutes in the shampoo aisle looking for a bottle 3 inches wide and 10 inches long to fuck.

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shit chill

When you have to crap, but can't get to a bathroom and you stand perfectly still, clenching. Then your body shakes briefly like you were standing in 20 below weather.

I had to dump at the concert but I didn't want to miss "Hammer Smashed Face", so I held it in and got a shit chill.

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Gas Shock

The look on a woman's face when you fart while she is blowing you. Synonymous with fart frown, shit-gas scowl, or gas grimace.

Super-sized bean burrito... $5.00. The gas shock on her face when you blow down on her while she is blowing you... priceless.

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mizzenmast

A naval term for your dick.

I gave her the mizzenmast to the port hole.

I gave her the mizzenmast to the poop deck.

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