Professor Pissflaps

Any woman who thinks she is smarter than the average bloke.

(Overheard in the House Of Commons):

Female MP: "...and furthermore, I would like to point out that it was men who were responsible for starting the war, and men who..."

Male Speaker: "OK, OK, Professor Pissflaps, you've had your say, now let someone else speak".

27👍 6👎

Widow's memories

Any phallic shaped fruit or vegetable, eg bananas, cucumbers, fingered lovingly and nostalgically by old ladies in supermarkets.

Just look at the way that old dear is caressing that aubergine. Bless her. Widow's memories, eh?

18👍 3👎

wangover

Post self-abuse anguish. The feeling of guilt, regret and self-loathing immediately after masturbation. Combination of 'wank' and 'hangover'.

"Oh, no, I've got such a wangover. I swear I'll never do it again!"

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Chastity Patch

A small smear of excrement surreptitiously smeared on the back of one's girlfiend's neck before a girls' night out, in order to deter any would-be suitors.

The missus was going out on her work Christmas party the other night and that smarmy git from accounts was there, so I gave her a Chastity Patch when she asked me to fasten her necklace.

40👍 7👎

twatmates

Two men, usually friends, who have both shared a twat, ie have both shagged the same woman. Also, see custard cousins.

I had a go on that bike from the pub at the weekend. That means you and I are now twatmates.

25👍 9👎

mole at the counter

A turtle's head. A turd that needs to come out.

"Elementary, my dear Watson. From these footprints, I deduce that our quarry was a left-handed doctor of unusually short stature, who had known prosperity but had recently fallen upon hard times, and judging by the short, irregular length of his stride it is apparent that he had a mole at the counter."

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nice from far, far from nice

Any person (especially a woman) who, from a distance, looks like they are worthy of a portion but upon closer inspection is revealed to be a right swamp-hog. A BOBFOC

Also abbreviated to NFFFFN

Person #1: "Phwooarr! Look at the arse on that sort! I'd give her one.... EURGH! She's got a face like a box of spanners!"

Person #2: "Ha ha! I told you her face was rough. She's nice from far, far from nice "

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