Case Western Reserve University

n.

Synonyms: Case, Hell, Nerd's Xanadu, pit of despair from which you shall never escape

Case Western Reserve University, formerly known to students as CWRU (pronounced "crew") and now called by the administration-enforced moniker "Case", is a small engineering and science oriented college in the ghettos of Cleveland, Ohio. This insidious institution lures prospective students with promises of graduation within four years and well-paying jobs soon after.

Once these new students arrive, they quickly realize the truth. Segregated in the “North Residential Village”, a desolate collection of rundown dorms far from the center of campus, freshmen are confronted with the complete lack of campus activities and the sheer tedium of day to day existence. Surrounded by introverted computer geeks who seem on the verge of spontaneous combustion every time the sun appears and uniformly unattractive members of the opposite sex, students quickly turn to Case’s high speed computer network for solace. Here some freshmen have been known to download multiple gigabytes of pornography while simultaneously maxing out their bandwidth allotments.

Once the academic year begins in earnest, things only continue in their downward spiral. Apathetic professors and incompetent TAs pile mind numbing amounts of work on their students, quickly reducing them to burnt-out husks of their former selves. In response, some overachieving students have resorted to unabashed ass kissing to maintain their grades, while the most intelligent students leave Case at their earliest opportunity. Those who remain become malleable zombies ideal for low wage labor in Case’s many “student employment” positions. Tests are difficult at Case, and after finals the near-suicidal students stumble home looking for work to replenish their tuition-depleted bank accounts.

Unfortunately for upperclassmen, matters do not improve in subsequent years. Classes get harder, life gets duller, and hair gets thinner. Ulcers eat away at students as caffeine intake is increased to cope with the larger workload.

Let this be a warning to any prospective students who are considering Case Western Reserve University. Turn back now and choose a better school, before it is too late…

Overheard on the Case Quad:

You think you've had it rough? You have no idea what I did with Prof. XXXXXXX for my math grade!

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