The Universe

Everything there is, at least by peons that don't know any better.

The Universe is relative... to the creatures that live in it, it's everything, but to the people who create them it's just another task that has to be maintained every couple thousand years.

I think the Universe we humans live in is really a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong. I think it was created by some advanced, but very fallible, students using futuristic technology. To us these students are our Gods. To their professors they are total smegheads and gits, always causing trouble.

Two Gods are taking a leak in the restroom....

God #1: So how is The Universe going?

God #2: My professor thinks I'm going to have to flood the damn thing and start over from scratch. The DNA is just so corrupted from so much inbreeding.

I *knew* I should have added "Thou shalt not do thy brothers and sisters" to my list of commandments. How about yours?

God #1: Well I already tried the flood thing... plus I sent down massive earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanic eruptions and the like... and many of them STILL won't acknowledge my existence!

I think maybe if I send down that Messiah I promised to that git early on, it might help.

God #2: I wouldn't hold your breath on the Messiah thing. I mean it MIGHT work... in about 2000 years or so.

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hulk

Any tall, stocky, broad-shouldered man.

The Godfather felt safe until the two hulks that were with him got gunned down.

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bombard with high level microwaves

This is what happens to people when you stand on a chair while wiggling your pinky at them.

Rusty the clown stood on a chair and proceeded to bombard with high level microwaves everyone who passed by. Unfortunately he did not realize that the chair seat was contaminated with uranium 235 and he died of radiation poisoning two days later.

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moondog

The nickname of an obese professional wrestler in the Pacific Northwest. Famous for spitting high into the air and catching the loogey in his mouth.

Moondog Maretti jobs to just about anybody.

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noggin knocker

Or often called "double noggin knocker", is a combat move used to take out two assailants simultaneously. Not to be confused with a headbutt... this move is performed by taking the heads of two opponents and cracking them together, with little impact upon oneself.

You see this kind of thing alot in tag team style professional wrestling.

This move seems less effective against pacific islanders, as apparently, their heads are harder than most people's.

Bushwacker Bob made a big mistake when he tried performing a double noggin knocker on the Samoan brothers.

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wolfsbane

A flowering plant found in damp areas of the foothills of mountainous regions in Europe and Asia. It is a member of the buttercup family.

The roots of this plant are a powerful neurotoxin. A piece of the root half the size of a grain of rice can kill an adult human within five seconds. The military has adapted this neurotoxin in gaseous form for chemical warfare.

In Roman times it was used by the lady Lydia to poison anyone who posed a threat to her son Tiberius becoming Emperor. She even used it to kill her own husband.

Diluted, the roots can be used topically as a local anesthetic and numbing agent. It is an active ingredient in many over the counter nerve pain homeopathic remedies.

I gave my mother-in-law a wolfsbane plant for her birthday, but unfortunately she didn't eat it.

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windwow

Another way of spelling "window". It must be ok, because if you google "windwow" you come up with thousands and thousands of hits - even linked to companies who manufacture and sell windows.

This word originated back in the early '70s when my sister typed up a Christmas poem parody I wrote called "Christmas in the '70s" as a parody of "T'was the Night Before Christmas".

Anyway, the last lines in the poem went like this:

He staggared to his sleigh and his team made a fixture,
And away they all flew, like a horror picture.
But I heard him exclaim, from his sleigh window sill,
"I'll sue you if you don't pay the bill!"

But she made a typo when she typed "window"... she actually typed "windwow". In fact that was the only mistake she made in typing up the entire thing. This was like the fourth time she had typed it in because I complained about other typos in previous drafts.

So when I complained about "windwow", she grabbed it and put a line through the second "w" and gave it back to me, and that's when I realized that she wasn't going to type it in a fifth time. I think it was at that very moment when I ceased in being a perfectionist.

Anyway, since that fateful day, whenever I wrote the words "window" or "windows", I intentionally spelled it "windwow" or "windwows" instead. This is especially noteworthy since I now work as a columnist for a computer magazine and have to write things about Microsoft Windwows a lot. It drives my editor crazy.

Microsoft Windwows sure crashes a lot.

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