St. Joe's Prep

(n.) A legacy-stricken, rich suburban boy's heaven in the ghetto of North Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Football is life and death (with good reason, because if SJP students ever took the time to look at something else other than their football team, they would find themselves ridiculously unpleasantly surprised at their rich, and downright girlish snob).

Generally, SJP kids can be identified by their ability and cunning to put someone down because they are a) poorer than he, b)not an SJP student, or c) homosexual, because they're all incredibly Catholic young men who are too far from their suburban churches (ABVM, St. Denis) and they always need to to identify someone else as gay to purge their friends and Catholic allies of all doubt that they, in fact, are themselves. Sometimes, generally the younger ones, will travel in packs and laugh as loudly as they can, clad in their occasionally popped sports coat collars and overstuffed schoolbags (at least alot of the time, they're smart).

The school itself is extremely exclusive, which would be reasonable if they didn't recruit football players that couldn't read and basketball players that have to be coached by a Roman Catholic High School graduate, and former LaSalle University coach, Speedy Morris.

Possibly the oddest thing about an SJP student is his ability to put down others, but to never own up to his actions/follow up his threats. Take, for example, a group of SJP kids on a bus, yelling at Roman Catholic XC runners, who are walking to the EL like big boys, as the bus drives away. Or, also, the famed SJP students are tantalizing one or a few students from another school, whom they greatly outnumber, and as soon as one of the these poor souls singles out an SJP student, and is able to communicate a good comeback, the SJP students, who have either a)threatened to fight the non-SJP loyalists, b)accused him of homosexual behavior, or c)talked about how much he "sucks" and how his school "sucks dick" , immediately turn on their confidant, and even, in a few cases (if the odds are not too great in favor of SJP), when the soul defender of his kind hits one of the SJP students, his friends to not come to his aid, instead, they have--in the past--let these brave guys walk away. It's after events like this that SJP students reaffirm their happiness with the facts that they have daddy and mommy to run home to, with their bmws and minivans and their upper darbys, broomalls, and havertowns.

In short, SJP is good for people that aren't of the "priveleged line," or "new royal blood." People that come from poor neighborhoods, however, or from challenging backgrounds, should attend, because it truly does look outstanding on a college app (whether or not it has ever produced anything other than assholes is up for debate, however the popular belief by everyone that hasn't gone there, is that it hasn't, and everyone that does--a consdierably smaller number--is that it just makes you amazingly better than just about everyone else on the face of our small, conceited.)

SJP student #1: Hey, man, I like your ride. I guess you turned 16?

SJP student #2: Yeah, but I totally wanted the convertible. I feel like such a slob in a Saab, too.

#1: You wanted the convertible?! You're a FAG! GIRLS want convertibles, dude! FAG! GAY! BUTT SEX! PENISES IN PLACES I CERTAINLY NEVER PUT THEM!

#2: I don't have to put up with this, man. That's totally like a black/hispanic/poor thing to have to put up with our shit. Let's go find some other people to mess with, and then when they fight back, we can run away like the toddlers we act like.

#1: YEAH! man. and then we're SO going to not take public transportation. this really has the making of a good night, dude!

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