Fijian

Fijians - Hospitable but in great need for procrastination gene extraction. The warmth they shower you with when you reach their shores is genuine. They are unrivaled in terms of their smiles but behind this lurks grand-daddies who were still cannibals just 200 years ago so don't push it with them - especially when on a boat. They can be crushingly sweet if you impress them with your manners but watch out for prolonged but gentle shaking: they are pissed off my friend. There is only one thing that paralyses them to the point of non-function: farting out loud in church: they must not be seen 'laughing' in church. Rugby is a national passion, the players are also passionately linked to Tyson's tendency to bite ears. Without any sense of time, to meet them at 2pm, one must suggest a midday meeting time unless you like waiting for two hours and then NOT get an explanation: c'est normal: this is called 'fiji time'. Being former British subjects, their laws are still penal, you can still be charged with sodomy but a crowd favourite/drawer is the smattering of gay shows all year around. Do not ask for directions, there is a national response: over there. Do not be offended by the questions: it is a national obsession. They will speak correct english if they have to otherwise, one needs to listen well to get the general drift of the fij-lish. (Eg provided)

Tourist: Hello
Fijian: Booollllaaaa (Bula=Greetings)
Tourist: Umm where's the Metropole?
Fijian: You from where??
Tourist: Latvia. Umm where's the Met..
Fijian: Whatchu doing here?
Tourist: Oh just visiting but I need to get to ..
Fijian: Your family here?
Tourist: No.
Fijian: Oi ok.
Tourist: Where is the Metro..
Fijian: Oi gang, thing just around the corner, over there.
(Two hours later: Tourist still walking around in circles it seems!)

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