Pasturebation

The act of happening upon a beautiful scene scape, one that stops you dead in your tracks and forces you to think about the beauty in the world (such as the love of your life coming up behind you, wrapping their arms around you firmly, resting their head in the nape of your neck and quietly whispering "I love you"). The kind of place where it seems that the wind itself whistles merry tunes, as if to say, "hey little guy, everything's going to be alright..." and a photographer behind you is capturing every perfect moment so it can be used as a default wallpaper for Windows 90 million or a background on a calendar for the month of September. Then, just as your head is being filled with wondrous thoughts, and you could swear you caught a whiff of fresh apple pie right out of the oven, you notice a man right at the top of the hill, standing directly in front of the sunset where the sky meets the earth, violently Pasturebating. Yes, that's right. Don't clean your glasses or blink twice, leaning forward a bit. That man is publicly masturbating atop one of the most beautiful places on planet earth. He then, with a grin from ear to ear that makes dead grandmothers everywhere nod their head exclaiming "what a nice boy", blows his regal load in the direction of the once-calming wind and you watch it fly away; forever whisked to the fertile loins of forever. You will never look at this place the same again. In fact, you will be so scarred you will probably never return at all.

Mom: Here it is sweetie, the Grand Canyon!

Child: oh wow! what's THAT mom?!

Mom: What's wha.......oh my god....IS THAT.....IS HE............WHO THE FUCK........WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Child: what's a "fuck" mom?

Mom: SHUT THE FUCK UP....WE'RE OUT OF HERE......THOSE DAMN PASTUREBATERS WITH THEIR PASTUREBATION JUST HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY.........

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Vaginal Villain

One whose villany towards vaginas is surpassed only by his fondling fervor for the fallopian freeway. This man knows how to spread the bees knees and please without fees. When he walks down the street he can blow even the tightest pies wide open with his other-worldly and downright demonic charm. A woman could be head over heels, hysterically humping her honorable husband, but if this man so much as pelvic-thrusts within a 28-mile radius she will immediately dismount and frantically search for the source of such sexual stimulation; inevitably pouncing on him and demanding the ransacking of her ravenous ravine.

Girl 1: ....OMG!

Girl 2: YOU FELT THAT TOO?!

Girl 1: ....yeah...there must be evil forces at work here...

Girl 2: you mean...*gulp*...like a vaginal villain?

Girl 1: ....might be....either way, hang on to your pussy girlfriend, this is going to be one crazy night....

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