keich

Scottish jobby. Approx 9"-14" in length (varying thickness) and must protrude from the water in the bowl of the toilet pan and look as though it's "keichin' oot the water"

Went to see some friends off to the coast and had a monster keich..... looked like the Loch Ness Monster trying to climb oot the lavvy

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NTW

NTW is an abbreviation that originates in Scotland that stands for "Nail The Whale".
The exact origin is unsure but it's thought to have originated in the Glasgow area (possibly South side of Glasgow) and realtes to the sexual conquest of some girl who was smitten by a guy called Skoot Mackoo.

"What you up to tonight ?"

"I'm out looking for Skoot"

"Looking for Skoot ? Why"

"I'm gonna NTW tonight"

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Happy Gazday

Happy Gazday is a day when nothing EVER goes right and the "Happy" part is used in irony.

You all know the kinda day I'm talking about ? The sort of day that starts off when you get out of bed, late, hungover and half sleeping then stagger barefoot to the toilet only to stand squarely in a pile of steaming dog shit that squelches up between your toes making you want to puke.
Later, after cleaning the shit from between your toes and almost giving yourself a hernia puking, you go downstairs to make breakfast and, if there happens to be a milk carton in the fridge, you end up pouring a lump of stinking semi fermented cheese into your freshly made tea, coffee or cereal resulting in another gut ripping puking session !
The day continues when you go through a succession of miserable experiences and failures at work, school, college, etc. incorporating burns, scalds, bumos and paper cuts and in an attempt to cheer yourself you decide to go to the bar to have a drink and are met by a smiling barmaid/barman holding your massive bill from the night before.

It can also be sung to the tune of "Happy Birthday" when mocking someone who is having a particularly bad day.

Si : "Yo Dick, how's it hangin' man"

Dick : "Gave myself a Mimmack last night, had a nightmare about a Santos, shit myself while I slept, no water when I woke up so had to go to work stinking of B.O. and shit and then everything got worse...topped it all off by having a Wraithmell} in the bar" <sob>

Si : "Bollocks dude, not another Happy Gazday" ??