Pump and Dump

When you bop the baloney while taking a massive shit at a neighbor's house at the same time, while you are standing up facing the toilet.

Neighbor: "OMFG, RYAN!! THERE'S SEMEN ALL OVER THE BACK OF MY TOILET!! AND SHIT!! THERE'S SHIT ALL OVER MY WALLS!! WERE YOU DOING A FUCKING PUMP AND DUMP!?"

Ryan: "So is that a no on the sugar?"

Glock Paper Scissors

When someone tries to outdo you in a rock paper scissors game in an attempt to force you into doing something you REALLY don't want to do, so you shoot them.

Roommate: "Man, these dishes are stacked! Rock paper scissors for who has to do 'em!"

Me: "Glock paper scissors, SHOOT!"

*LOUD POP* *THUD*

Me: "I win."

When I realize that I may have to do dishes in prison:

*LOUD POP* *THUD*

Ethan

Ethan
ee-thuhn

noun
1. a male given name: from a Hebrew word meaning “strength.”

Which is ironic given the fact that the only Ethan I ever knew was TOO FUCKING LAZY TO READ THE AD OR EVEN GOOGLE THE SIMPLEST SHIT ON THE INTERNET!!

My Craigslist Ad: 1974 Men's Stainless Steel Rolex Submariner Watch with a 8 inch bracelet. Inherited this from my grandfather who recently passed. - $18,000.

Ethan: I'm interested in the watch. Can you tell me if it's gold or stainless steel? also, what model is it? Is it newer, because it looks new in the picture. Would you take $400 for it?

Never. Ever. Be an Ethan.