Random
Source Code
Random
A polite way to tell someone who thinks out loud either too much or too loudly to shut the fuck up.
<Person 1>: I wonder if I should eat food today?
<Person 2>: Are you asking me something?
<Person 1>: No. Just thinking out loud.
<Person 2>: ......
<Person 1>: What should I wear today?
<Person 2>: Are you asking me?
<Person 1>: No I am just talking to myself.
<Person 2>: Well do you mind thinking in loud because you're bothering me.
13👍 1👎
A scrap ninja is a junk metal collector who comes the evening before the garbage gets picked up but grabs the scrap metal, silently, and likely within the 5 minutes it took you to bring it out to the curb and walk back to your garage.
Wife: Did you take that aluminum awning out to the curb?
Husband: Yeah, like 2 minutes ago. Why?
Wife: <peering out the window at the curb> It's not there. Are you sure you took it out?
Husband: <also peering out the window at the curb> Scrap ninja must have grabbed it.
30👍 2👎
Star Wards fans who complain about the Star Wars franchise and Lucas' constant re-re-re-re-re-releasing of the episodes in all various formats with changes and extras over and over and over again but continue to trade up and buy the new releases.
Person 1: Did you hear Lucas just released all 6 episodes on 4K Digital?
Person 2: Shut the fuck up! I just bought the Uber Ultimate Future-Proof Limited Director's Cut + Cutting Room Floor Edition.
Person 1: Well, somewhere, far far away, a cash register is rining <cha-ching> you dumb Star Whores.
24👍 6👎
A person known to be pseudo-competent who uses the equivalent of osmosis as a knowledge base and then simply *thinks* of something they want done and the person perceives their thought as having accomplished the task (read: the task becomes done) without any physical effort or any actual action having occurred.
Person 1: He's a Coordinator of computer technology.
Person 2: Really? Because all his computers aren't working.
Person 1: Is that so?
Person 2: Well, the other day he told me he thought they were all working.
Person 1: He must be osmotic.
13👍 1👎
Burkettiquette is defined as uninvited intrusion into an acceptance speech either not yet or having just begun by an honoree. Although similar to being Kanyed, this interruption is marked not by dissatisfaction with the honoree being chosen so much as it is to spite the honoree due to once having involvement in the project for which the honor is being bestowed but instead feeling entitled to speak on the project's behalf.
Friend 1: Did you see the 82nd Annual Oscar's last night?
Friend 2: Yeah, why?
Friend 1: Elinor Burkett totally interrupted Roger Ross Williams before he could get out his acceptance speech.
Friend 2: Oh yeah, that? Talk about bad etiquette.
Friend 1: No, more like bad Burkettiquette.
20👍 5👎
The spell Harry Potter shouts when taking a shit.
Harry Potter <grunting>: Ungh...Ungh. EXPELYOURANUS!
<sound effect>: Ploop!
29👍 3👎
Someone who repeatedly butchers the English language by mis-pronouncing "ask" as "aks"
Guy walks up to a store clerk: "I went down to the men's department to aks where the kicks were but he said to aks another associate so I'm aksing you."
Store clerk: What was it you wanted to ASK me?
Guy: "Where the shoes at?"
Store clerk:"2nd floor against the back wall."
Guy:"Aight"
Store clerk (thinking to self):"What a fucking aks murderer."