Gold Card Hippie

A rich person who thinks he or she is a hippie. A phony. They have hippie tendencies but always include modifications to ensure comfort and please their rich tastes. For instance, a Gold Card Hippie will only go to a Grateful Dead show if there is assigned seating and they have the most expensive seats and wear nicely pressed tie dyed shirts (which they only break out once a year) and try to dress like they don’t care with clothing from the most expensive designers. They generally can be seen at coffee houses drinking seven dollar coffee while surfing their incredibly expensive lap tops. They can also be seen at Whole Foods rudely blocking the food bar spending tremendous amounts of money on salads.

I went camping with Chad last weekend, that Gold Card Hippie brought an air mattress, his Wall Street Journal and a generator to power an air conditioner for the tent. I was so sickened by him, I gave him an Alabama Alarm Clock.

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Springfield Stinger

When a man ejaculates into the nostril of his partner. Invented by a very bored couple in Springfield, Ohio.

My wife's nose was stuffy from allergies, so I gave her a Springfield Stinger and it cleared it right up! She was so happy, she gave me a blumpkin.

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Captain Apple Sack

A male who wears his pants pulled up as high as possible and in general too tight thus, exposing a bulge from his testicles. Most likely every office across the country has about one or two of these. While Khakis expose the most, casual Fridays with jeans tend to look the most painful for this captain of crotch crunch. Common characteristics of such beings include being uptight, not much fun, boring conversationalists, ultra neat and tidy.

Jen: “Don’t invite Stewart to go out with us after work, he’s too uptight.”

Suzie: Yeah, you can tell he’s uptight even before he speaks a word because he is a Captain Apple Sack.”