crotch crustacean

(n.) a pubic louse; the crabs.

I contracted a case of the crotch crustaceans from the trousers I purchased at the Salvation Army Thrift Store. Of course the old lady just ain't buying it...

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Getting Mud for the Turtle

To engage in anal intercourse; to insert one's penis into another's rectum.

I accidently walked in on Dad and Aunt Gloria. he had her bent over and was getting mud for the turtle. I may need to seek therapy.

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Baptofascist

(n.) A radical authoritarian ideology fusing (usually Southern) Baptist values with extreme right-wing politics. Baptofascists tend to be the sort of (white) folks who put the Rebel Battleflag on their pick-up truck, use the n-word frequently, and believe in the Rapture. They also mininimize women's role ("Cookin' and cleanin' and servin' their husbands every whim"), are vehemently homo-phobic, and aren't shy about approaching total strangers to ask them if they have yet to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. All true Baptofascists are registered Republican, of course. All are pro-second ammendment, against gay marriage, and anti-women's reproductive rights. Baptofascists frequently can be found within earshot of an AM radio spewing Rush Limbaugh's philosophy of hate or The Sean Hannity show. They do not, however, listen to Glenn Beck, because he is a Mormon. Mormons are in league with Satan, silly.

I'm more uncomfortable in these briefs than a Baptofascist at a Gay Pride parade.

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Zippy the Squirrel

A squirrel that made national headlines in early 2008, after attacking Mike Huckabee during a campaign speech in Clemson, SC. Mr. Huckabee had admitted to consuming squirrels previously, but revenge was not the apparent motive for the assault. The squirrel leapt from the rafters after scurrying amongst the light fixtures, laning on Huckabee's neck and scratching and biting him there and on his face and ears. Huckabee's comments about state's rights and the flying of the Confederate Battle Flag seemed to incite the rodent to attack. Zippy was subsequently subdued by Chuck Norris. Huckabee's wounds were trivial. DNC chair Howard Dean denied that Zippy was a Democratic Party operative, but did say that squirrels are keen survivors, and that Mike Huckabee is one of the biggest nuts out there.

Zippy the Squirrel did his part to derail Mike Huckabee's Presidential campaign in 2008. His present whereabouts are unknown.

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Three Tattoo Rule

The scientific rule that states "If a girl has more than three tattoos, she'll probably take it in the ass."

1.) At first, I didn't buy into the Three Tattoo Rule, but eight years later and a few more romantic encounters under my belt, I'd have to say it's true.

2.) Cindy didn't disappoint. She was covered in ink and reaffirmed my belief in the Three Tattoo Rule.

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Black and Decker Pussy Wrecker

n.) An astoundingly large penis capable of causing trauma if used for regular vaginal intercourse.

I gave Judy the Black and Decker Pussy Wrecker. She hasn't walked right for a week.

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Ninety-percent water, ten-percent vinegar

n.) a douche

adj.) the condition of being a douche.

Karl is ninety-percent water, ten-percent vinegar. As a matter of fact, he is the biggest douche I know.

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