National Emergency

Two very big words.

"I am officially declaring a National Emergency."

Dogwarts

In your apartment right now, there's a magical room...like you know like the entrance to Hogwarts? In the train station and only you can go through? so you have a special power, right? You have a special Hogwarts that only you can go to, instead of a castle in there, instead of there being a magical wizarding school on the other side of the fucking brick wall, okay? There's a dog that's really excited to see you. This dog, okay? You have complete--you can choose: okay this can be a boy dog, a girl dog, it can be wearing clothing....nonono sorry, it's a boy dog, a girl dog, okay the choice is yours, whatever it's wearing. One thing is for sure, this dog is into you, and I mean into you sexually, okay? Now you can go into this magical room of Hogwarts whenever want to and the great thing about this is that this dog wants you to fuck it, okay? and every time you fuck it, you get paid. Now what I want to know for you...you know let's start at eh, $5,000 okay?

If you're in a real bad spot, and the magical door's there...I don't know, we could be going to Dogwarts for $5,000.