west virginia

A breeding ground for Mutant Militants and a testing ground for polutants and the Auto Industry.
After 3 years of first hand witnessing the qualities of West Viginia and it's people. I'm throughly convinced John Denver with a choke in his throat and a tear in his eye was begging his Minnie Pearl want-to-be captor to take him HOME; TO COLORADO!!!

Bubble-Headed Bubba driving an emission control stripped piece of crap J-car with flames paintd on it doing 90mph on his way from a White Lightening Festival heading to his Uncle-Daddys KKK Rally.
One out of every three will develop cancer directly related to the unregulated pollution.
The South would rise again if Bubba didn't mistakenly shoot everything that raises it's head in the name of Deer Hunting.
Chuck Yeager? HA! Let's build up the ego of the biggest moron and stick his ass on a rocket and see what happens! Works for me!
This could be a never ending saga of totally true incidents of real life in Wild and Wonderful West Virginia none of which would has or ever would be a pleasure.

I've never met an Honest West Virginian I didn't like; I don't like West Virginians.

West Virginians
Some people shine by being in the background
Some people shine by being in the foreground
These people don't shine so they just make noise.

AFTER THEIR 11TH CHILD, A WEST VIRGINIA HILLBILLY COUPLE DECIDED THAT WAS ENOUGH AS THEY COULD NOT AFFORD A LARGER BED.
SO THE HILLBILLY HUSBAND WENT TO HIS VETERINARIAN AND TOLD HIM THAT HE AND HIS COUSIN DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN.
THE DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT THERE WAS A PROCEDURE CALLED A VASECTOMY THAT COULD FIX THE PROBLEM BUT THAT IT WAS EXPENSIVE. A LESS COSTLY ALTERNATIVE " SAID THE DOCTOR, "IS TO GO HOME GET A CHERRY BOMB." "LIGHT IT PUT IT IN A BEER CAN THEN HOLD THE CAN UP TO YOUR EAR AND COUNT TO 10."
THE HILLBILLY SAID TO THE DOCTOR "I MAY NOT BE THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED BUT I DON'T SEE HOW PUTTING A CHERRY BOMB IN A BEER CAN NEXT TO MY EAR IS GOING TO HELP ME."
"TRUST ME" SAID THE DOCTOR.
SO THE HILLBILLY WENT HOME LIT A CHERRY BOMB AND PUT IT IN A BEER CAN. HE HELD THE CAN UP TO HIS EAR AND BEGAN TO COUNT:"1-2-3-4-5-AT WHICH POINT HE PAUSED PLACED THE BEER CAN BETWEEN HIS LEGS AND RESUMED COUNTING ON HIS OTHER HAND.
THIS PROCEDURE ALSO WORKS IN KENTUCKY ALABAMA ARKANSAS GEORGIA N&S CAROLINA TENNESSEE AND NORTH FLORIDA

General Tips for WV Rednecks
* Never take a beer to a job interview.
* Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
* If you have to vacuum the bed it is time to change the sheets.
* Even if you're certain that you are included in the will it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
* When decanting wine make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
* If drinking directly from the bottle always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home
* A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
* Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene
* While ears need to be cleaned regularly this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
* Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However if you live alone deodorant is a waste of good money.
* Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family)
* Always offer to bait your date's hook especially on the first date.
* Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
* Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
* Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
* Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings
* Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
* Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
* For the groom at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
* Though uncomfortable say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette
* Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
* When approaching a four-way stop the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
* Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
* When sending your wife down the road with a gas can it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
* Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
A typical WV Hunting emergency goes like this:
A couple of hillbilly hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other hillbilly starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone.
He frantically calls 911 and blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First let's make sure he's dead."
There's a short pause and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The hillbilly comes back on the line and says "OK, now what?"

If you don't believe any of this you haven't met my neighbors!

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