Bollocks

14th Century (as 'ballocks') English term which has grown numerous useful applications within today's language:

1. Term of exasperation, often at having made a mistake.

2. As a plural noun, the bollocks are the testicles.

3. Exaggerated truth or blatant lies.

4. Unfathomable rubbish; corporate management speak, e.g. 'blue-sky thinking', 'touch base', and 'thinking outside the box'.

5. Poor or bad effort, esp. with media references. (The more bollocks, the worse the event.)

6. When the bollocks belong to a canine, the inverse meaning of (5.) comes into play, though nobody knows quite why. This meaning appears to date back from 1989.

7. To 'drop a bollock' is to commit a social faux-pas leading to grave embarrassment.

8. A 'bollocking' is a telling off, often by one's boss for an inadequate or incomplete piece of work, or inappropriate behaviour.

9. To lack bollocks is to be gutless, spineless and generally lack courage. This is not used inversely for the word 'balls' covers this application.

10. As a verb, to 'bollocks' or to be 'bollocksed' it to flummox or be flummoxed; confuse or be confused.

11. If a piece of machinery is bollocksed, it is broken or rendered unusable either temporarily or permanently.

12. To be 'bollock-naked' it to be completely without clothing, save for a few relatively unimportant items such as socks, watch, rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings or other body jewellery.

13. To be 'bollocksed' also means to have imbibed an amount of alcohol which has eliminated a dangerously high number of brain cells causing a lack of social and spatial awareness, incoherent speech and the inability to believe that you're not as drunk as you are, you're not as unattractive in that state as you are, and that you don't rule the world.

1. {Having sent a saucy text message to your mum instead of your partner} "Bollocks!"

2. "I couldn't be arsed to go home, so I just stood there, scratching me bollocks."

3. "Don't listen to him, he just talks bollocks."

4. "Sorry, it's my boss, he's got us speaking this bollocks."

5. "I think any film with a cast of unknowns and a budget that won't cover your weekly shopping is bound to be bollocks." Also: "I know our friend was the lead character and everything, but that play was the biggest load of fat, squidgy bollocks I've ever had to sit through. Don't tell her I said that, though."

6. "That play was the dog's bollocks, Sarah."

7. "Boy, did I drop a bollock this morning: Your mum had a Rice Crispy stuck to her face, so I tried to wipe it off; you never told me she had a wart."

8. "We had all the work done by two, so we all pissed off down the pub, but come Monday morning, we all got such a bollocking. Marketing had called eight times and that twat over there had forgotten to turn the answering machine on. Wanker."

9. "You honestly expect me to believe you're going to tell John what I did with his wife? You haven't got the bollocks."

10. "Two Stellas, a Fosters, a Bacardi and Diet Coke and a Carling-top please. ...oh, make that half a Fosters - that's bollocksed you, hasn't it? Let's call it a tenner for cash, eh?"

11. "The fax stopped working earlier, so I jammed my pen into that little hole and now I think it's totally bollocksed."

12. "Well, the last thing I remember is walking down to the seafront and laying on the beach. Then, it's six in the morning, I'm stark bollock-naked except for my socks, watch, rings, necklaces, bracelets, earrings and other body jewellery, handcuffed to a tramp."

13. "Well, I was at work, right, and my computer totally bollocksed up, and I hadn't saved that bollocks I was working on, so I though, 'bollocks to this, I'm going down the pub'. I went with Jeff and Dave, who was really quiet, so when I got the beers in, I asked, like, 'who died?!' It turns out, his wife's on the way out, you know, so I'd really dropped a bollock, but Dave said he was okay. He doesn't have the bollocks to say anything else; never has, but I knew Jeff would give me a right bollocking later on. We had a few pints and this dog's bollocks pie - we didn't get too bollocksed or anything, just a bit tipsy, you know. We went back into the office and my PC was up-and-running with that document intact, which bollocksed me a bit, but it's better than a kick in the bollocks, I suppose. So, I went home, got in the shower and noticed a rash on my bollocks, shit me up, that did. I came out to show Sam only to find Sam's mum sat there with a cup of tea, staring at me, bollock naked and dripping on the carpet. 'Bollocks,' I thought..."

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