Meat Virginia

The original title of the 1999 rock hit, “Meet Virginia” as written by Robert Hotchkiss, Pat Monahan and James Stafford of the rock band “Train”. The original lyrics were affectionately written about a Virginia-shaped piece of meatloaf during a serious case of the “munchies” while the band was performing a gig in Richmond. Written as a goof, the melody had such an appealing draw that the band decided to re-title the track to “Meet Virginia” and edit the lyrics to be more abstract and broadly appealing. The meaning behind the song “Meet Virginia” as has been hotly contested with theories of love interests, strippers, and drag queens abounding. Until now, the band has hilariously allowed these theories to promulgate while the original title and meaning of the song has eluded the blogosphere.

Rob: “Meat Virginia! I can't wait to eat Meat Virginia, yeah e yeah hey hey hey”
Pat: “Savage”
James: “Love it”

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Cognizant Carbs

When you feel guilty about all the carbs you’ve been eating so your subconscious starts to ascribe human characteristics to all types of bread products in an effort to make you less inclined to eat them . This happens to such a degree that you begin to believe that bread is actually a living entity with moral qualms about being consumed. It starts as a case of Pareidolia(seeing faces in unusual places). When the carbs in your life become cognizant it is not uncommon to see your muffin smiling at you or corn bread frowning in disgust. They stare at you and you stare back. You look with longing, while they gaze back in judgement. Before too long your explaining to your family that you haven’t eaten the waffles sitting out on the table because they have a rich backstory and kids at home that can’t get by without them.

Dean: I only did Keto for a week before I binged on a dozen Krispy Kreme’s. That last one didn’t appreciate it much.
Sam: Last one? Last donut?
Dean: Yeah, you could tell he was pissed?
Sam: Dude, those are cognizant carbs. The guilt got to you.

Squishy Typing

When you spill your beverage into your keyboard and instead of draining it out, like a normal person, you continue typing like nothing happened much to the bemusement of those who witnessed the spill. Squishy Typing is no delicate matter and practitioners usually have an “Own It!” type mentality. Squishy Typers never tickle the keyboard like an Elmo doll on the cold Christmas morning of 1996. Rather, they opt to pound the keys with the renewed vigor of a frustrated Ludwig van Beethoven raging at the heavens during a tsunami.

Jo: Just picked up my coffee off the warmer as someone asked me a question. I swung around and bonked the edge of my monitor and dumped half the cup in my keyboard...

Levi: I'd like to be sympathetic, but I'm too busy laughing. Hopefully, it was a cheap-o, wired keyboard?

Jo: It is. It's a work keyboard so I’m just squishy typing now.

Levi: I smell a UD entry. Squishy Typing

Jo: Ew Ew!! I'll get Darren on it.

Jo: Confession: I may have baited you into the UD recommendation so I could incorporate our conversation into the example...

Levi: Haha. That makes sense.

Darren: Done.

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The Calendar Option

A technique of temporarily “saving face” with colleagues, bosses, customers, and auditors by changing every calendar and clock in a particular workplace in an effort to cover up a missed deadline. “The Calendar Option” is the “Nuclear Option” of work place fault misdirection. “The Calendar Option” should only be used when the monumental task of changing dozens of calendars, clocks, and watches pales in comparison to actually completing ones assigned task on time. Hacking of local computer and cellular networks is usually preferred, as these sources represent the primary ways of determining dates and times. “The Calendar Option” will buy you enough time to prepare a resume, write a cover page, and apply for other jobs in the timespan prior to your superiors realizing you’ve elegantly gamed them to death. Worried about future employment? Don’t! One who can successfully employ “The Calendar Option” is often far under-employed anyway. This fact is clearly demonstrated as the time, energy, intelligence and sheer skill required to pull off the maneuver could be accomplished by no less than an American, tier 1, Special Forces operator who is also a Ninja.

Are you late? Can’t blame a colleague? Can’t blame your computer? Can’t blame the weather? Don’t even bother! Just employ “The Calendar Option” and you won’t need to blame a thing because the calendar and clocks say “you’re not late!”

late nuclear option option ninja bad employee blame

Pulling a Sound of Music

Gallivanting with exuberance through a valley, over a hill, across a field, or into a sunset. Usually performed until physical exhaustion resulting in collapse.

Internal Monologue- “I need to be writing, but my writers block makes me wants to take off running into the wheat field around this building, arms stretched wide, until I collapse. I can just imagine judgmental eyes starring on from the parking lot as they silently ponder the reason why I’m “Pulling a Sound of Music” this afternoon. “Did he get fired?” “Is someone chasing him?” “Should we run too?” When I tire, I’ll take a swan dive into the wheat and disappear below the stocks; out of sight. That’s where I’ll lie until I can come to grips with sitting at my desk for the rest of the day. I’m sure security will be called due to this strange behavior and they’ll surely investigate only to find me slowly disappearing out of sight and into the Kansas abyss. They’ll laugh and dub me the “Wheat Runner”. A slow walk back will return me to the building and my desk where I will, of course, deny ever having done such a thing despite the numerous eye witness accounts.