offended

The perpetual state of all white liberals.

The perceived perpetual state of everyone else except straight, white, Christian males, as projected by all white liberals.

Everything offends white liberals. They are offended by calling a bum a bum, a fag a fag, a bull dyke a bull dyke, a garbage dump a garbage dump, a blind guy a blind guy, and a spade a spade. White liberals learn to be offended by everything in public schools. The teachers there say, "Oh, we must never call a blind guy a blind guy. We must say visually challenged."

The white liberal soccer mom was highly offended when I said I was going to a meeting of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. "Oh, you must never say 'colored people,' she said in a huff. You must say "persons of color.' The correct name of that organization is the National Association for the Advancement of Persons of Color. The NAAPC.'"

Then the white liberal soccer mom was highly offended when I told her that the next time she rides a horse, she will only need half a saddle.

Never call a landfill a garbage dump, say the white liberals. That will offend the refuse collectors.

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Pachuco

A slime-ball hoodlum with greasy hair and a greasy sneer. He packs a switch-blade knife, which he uses to intimidate nerds, geeks, and old ladies. The grease in his hair is an attraction to Cholas. Without this attraction, there would be no little Pachucos or Cholas.

The Pachuco is a coward. He will never pick on anyone who has the slightest chance of whooping his ass. He likes to have an audience of Cholas or other Pachucos when he frightens people.

All intelligent ladies pack heat when they go out in public. This makes it easier to shoot Pachucos when they step in front of you and start their intimidation routine. For a fine anti-Pachuco piece, I recommend the Taurus Judge.

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turd

You know what a turd is: a piece of shit.

All good poofters and dykes know how to have fun with turds: they just fist their buddies and pull turds right out of the poop chute. But there are other ways to have fun with turds. Here's how to make turd puppets of your least favorite characters.

Tie a pretty red ribbon around one end of a turd. Presto! You have a Blood!
Tie a pretty blue ribbon around one end of a turd and you have a Crip!
Put a big dab of grease on one end of a turd and you have a Pachuco!
Put a clump of yellow thread on one end of a turd and you have Hillary Clinton!
Stick a cell phone on one side of a turd and a Starbucks cup on the other side. Stick it in the driver's seat of a minivan or an SUV and you have a soccer mom!
Stick a handful of credit cards into a turd and plop it in the driver's seat of any car with an automatic transmission. You have a Yuppie!
Stick a woodent mallet into a turd and plop it on a walnut desk. You have an activist liberal judge! Odor in the court, the judge is eating beans.
Isn't this fun? Practice at home and you can have fun with turds too!

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Yuppie

So you want to be a Yuppie? Here's what you have to do.
Never act masculine. Masculine is macho, you know, and all the soccer moms just HATE anything masculine.
Never learn how to drive a stick shift like a man. Drive a wussy automatic, just like an old grandma. Or a chimpanzee. Step on your brakes all the time, just like an old lady. Ride your brakes going down all hills. Never learn how to gear down your transmission or take it out of overdrive.
Cultivate arrogance. Wear it on your face as a smug expression. Always talk down to waiters and service people, to let them know you're a hot-shit Yuppie. To prove your worth, always blow a trumpet fanfare when you lock your car. Be the first Yuppie on the block to buy a set of trumpets that blow when you lock your house. Everyone wants to hear trumpets, and they will all look up to you in awe and admiration.
Always jabber and prattle on your cell phone like an old lady gossiping. Everyone who sees you will admire you.
Learn to call problems "issues," just like a soccer mom. All the soccer moms will admire you for that.
Tell everyone you're going on vacation in Cancun or St. Tropez. That will surely score you big points with the soccer moms.
Always carry a PDA. The more useless things it does, the better. Show everyone how it can dial a phone and remind you it's time to go for your manicure. For extra points, let it remind you to go for a pedicure.
When a crowd is listening, pick up your cell phone and talk LOUDLY. Say "buy 40,000 shares of IBM."
Wherever you go, assume an air of entitlement. You are entitled to take your dog inside stores, despite the NO DOGS signs. You are entitled to use your cell phone in the movies. You are entitled to two parking spaces.

Trent is an insipid, smirking Yuppie. He is entitled to park his Lexus in the handicap parking place because he'll only be in the store for 20 minutes.

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