dis-disease

People afflicted with this condition become pathologically obsessed with disrespect. They keep a detailed record of every past “dis” (real or imagined) and prayerfully page through a hateful little Naughty List each and every day.

If you wanna know what advanced dis-disease looks like, listen to that crazy meth-head Pennsatucky talk: “She disrespected me. Now, I’m gonna have to kill her.”

me time

Quality time that self-absorbed narcissists set aside for themselves.

“My problem,” said the self-absorbed narcissist at the yoga retreat, “is that I'm just too giving. I really need to learn how to be a little more selfish. How to set aside a little more, you know, me time.”

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primal cellscream

The sound you make after your cell phone falls into the toilet.

Dropped my brand-new iPhone in the toilet yesterday. Seriously, bro, people could hear my primal cellscream for miles!

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trumping

Spending an inordinate amount of time on the Internet obsessing over Trump’s latest antics.

So tired today. Was up trumping till two last night.

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networker

A person who treats human beings like instruments and pretends to care about people they don’t care about because they think they might be useful to them at some point in the future. Networkers are often very good at active listening.

God, I hate that guy! Never stops scheming. He's such a networker.

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hate hard-on

An irrationally intense and obsessive hatred for something or someone.

Damn! Irfan has a major hate hard-on for Phil, doesn't he?

apocalyptiboner

The feeling of great enthusiasm and excitement which washes over some people when they contemplate the complete destruction of the world.

Everything he said about the impending crisis made sense, but the glee in his voice was downright disturbing. He could barely conceal his apocalyptiboner.