ferp

A person with little social life or popularity who hangs on to any shred of affection; also someone who smells bicycle seats.

"Oh my gosh, I just said hi to Fred and now he won't stop following me."
"Ew, he's such a ferp."

melthorp

A small knife that can slice bone.

*Thanksgiving Dinner*
"Dang, I accidentally broke the carving knife!"
"It's okay, I brought my melthorp, you can borrow it!"