Patient Funk

This all-encompassing term is used to describe any one of the many contagions, odors or bodily fluids that potentially fester upon a patient (typically a physical therapy patient). When a particularly rampant cold spreads through a healthcare clinic, it can often be attributed to "patient funk." When one's sweater smells like feet after a hard day's work, blame patient funk. When a foul odor wafts through the waiting room, across the gym, and into the charting room, one can be sure there is patient funk to be shared...

Thing 1: Dude, what's this brown crusty stuff on my khakis?
Thing 2: Ten bucks says it's patient funk. Hope it's not poo.

or

Thing 2: I've had this cough for 3 months now. WTF?
Thing 1: Yeah, you got patient funk from that shoulder patient who came in with pneumonia in January.

pickled nipple

A condition whereby cold weather, moisture and/or lack of a brassiere forge the perfect storm of mammary offensiveness: rock-hard, lumpy, chilled little mounds of flesh protruding through one's shirt like tiny gherkins.

Oh my gosh! Lindsay came to the party without a bra and she had pickled nipple all night long!

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side meat

"Side meat" is the charred (and extra flavorful) bits of meat that often fall off the sides of burgers, steaks, chicken breasts and roasted turkey. Side meat may "accidentally" make its way onto ravenous non meat-eaters' plates, where it is "accidentally" consumed amidst heaping forkfuls of quinoa and kale. Caution: excessive consumption of side meat may lead to lapsing of vegetarianism.

Vegetarian: "Oh no! I accidentally got a bite of your prime rib in with my sesame kale!"
Other person: "Stop stealing bites of side meat and just admit you like steak!"

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Double Butthole

Unfortunately, some girls' cooters smell so bad, it's as if they had not one, but TWO buttholes.

I was so excited to tap that ho I met at the club last night, but she got double butthole!

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Wangover

The depressing, vapid, soul-consuming feeling of all-encompassing loss that results from sudden cessation of a long time period characterized by non-stop boning. This feeling can result from a simple case of the Mondays after spending the weekend wit yo man, to the end of a summer fling and sobering realization that you may as well cancel your waxing appointments b/c your netherparts are about to shut down for the winter like that creepy restaurant on the Goonies.

I couldn't get anything done yesterday; I had such a wangover that all I could do was putter around my apartment in a snuggie and watch lifetime movies.

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boned and owned

A descriptive phrase, referring to the ramifications of seemingly consequence-free coitus, which may include one or several of the following:

1. Pregnancy
2. Emotional attachment
3. STD
4. Unexpected "in a relationship" status appearing on said boning partner's facebook page
5. Falling into a relationship without intending to

I told my brother to use a condom with that skanky ass ho! Now he's boned and owned!!!

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camel phase

A human may exist for many moons without sex, going through life's motions and barely even noticing the lack of fornication in his/her life. Indeed, once a sex-deprived individual overcomes the horniness, desperation and loneliness of celibacy, and lives long enough in absence of sex, he/she enters a new phase of acceptance and ownership of this destiny. As a camel may survive on its own supply of water in his hump, humans, too, may self-sustain in their own self-humping phase: Camel Phase.

I haven't been laid since the Bush era. I'm in camel phase by now.

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