Cake Retention Syndrome

Otherwise known as KIPLINGITIS. The body compulsively attracts all cake within a mile radius and stores it in special grease pouches developed in the stomach, buttocks, thighs, bingo wings and ankles. Vanessa Feltz is a celebrity sufferer of this condition. Indeed, such is her ability to retain mountains of cake that her name has been lent to the more acute form of the disease known as FELTZISM (See FAT FUCKS IN THE MEDIA).

"It was tragic, she had severe Cake Retention Syndrome - It was a bit like looking at a Battenburg in a tracksuit."

"The Kiplingitis caused the thighs to chaff sufficiently for spontaneous combustion to occur. The smell of baked goods could be discerned for several miles."

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