Cornwall, Ontario

The population has peaked/stagnated at 46,000 since 1983, as any new blood that comes into the city is immediately put off by the eye-watering reek of industrial pollution, and the stench of farts, B.O., and desperation from the natives. As all heavy industry has been shut down, the main employers in the city nowadays are call centres and semi-organised crime, mainly centred on dealing drugs and shoplifting to order.

The nightlife in town sparkles with a joie-de-vivre as one is at a loss to choose which activities Cornwallites partake in: Bingo, bar-hopping, or break-ins. For the truly seasoned city dweller, you participate in the break-ins first, in order to fund the other two.

The prime of life in Cornwall is reached at age 15, usuallly just after the arrival of the second offspring, but before the first adult criminal sentence. A lucky few may qualify for a disability pension due to injuries sustained during the commission of a crime, which will guarantee them a taxpayer-funded income for the rest of their useless, unfulfilling lives, but most will fall back to the old family business of living on welfare, pushing out another bastard every couple of years so that Mama Chardonnay can grab another Baby Bonus cheque to buy some big hoopy earrings.

There have been talks of late to attract the populations of Raqqa and Baghdad to improve the quality of life in the city.

The mating rituals of the Cornwall, Ontario denizen consist of the female slipping into a form-fitting spandex mini-skirt at least two sizes too small accentuated by the latest stolen purse and 4" stiletto heels. The male of the species goes out on the town with the latest in baggy pants, hoody, and ballcap, with the odour of sweaty polyester and cheap aftershave. The female is usually found squatting in a parking lot between cars, whilst the male of the species is usually found drumming his chest and pulling down twigs to eat.

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