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A card game invented by Beatrice Middleton. Mostly played over the phone, but can also be played with cards. Two decks of cards are needed for this game. Played much like normal poker except using the parts of the body instead of chips to make bets with. Whoever has the most 'body' at the end of the game wins. So, next time you're looking for some fun - get a bunch of your granny friends together and play some Body Poker. You will love it! Beatrice Middleton Approved!!
Beatrice: Hey Flo, you up for a game tonight? What do you think, maybe Body Poker?
Flo: (whooping!) Bring it on, Beatrice! Bring it on! Two body draw, kidneys wild!
(A knock at the door)
Hec: Hey girls, what's going on? Whoah, do I smell Body Poker going on? Deal me in, grannies!
Flo: Okay, you're up. I'll be you two kidneys against one heart.
Beatrice: I'll see your bet and raise you some Spider Veins! My blue babies!
Hec: (growling) Well, throw in an arthritic knee and its a deal!
(Laughing from the next room)
Morris: (talking to Midge) What are they doing in there? Are they doing that Body Poker stuff again?
Midge: Sure, they love to play it. You know, when you get old your body falls apart.
Morrs: Well, maybe they should deal me up. I'll go ask them.
Hec: (hearing Morris from the other room) Sure! I'll raise you a stiff back. You're in!
(Everyone starts laughing)
Beatrice: Pay up, sonny! I'll raise you a whole body for just your back!
Morris: Rock on, Body Poker is the newest Blackjack!
5π 2π
A rough intense foot massage mostly given by Opal Crankshaft. Mostly given in a bucket of water with cocoa butter and honey lotion added to it. Opal often does this to her ex-husband, Earl, when he won't play footsie with her.
Opal: Hey Earl, you want a tootsie tickler?
Earl: What do you mean? When we used to play footsie?
Opal: Sure. Remember that strip where we tried to play footsie but you didn't want to?
Earl: Yeah, you really took it to me then.
Ann: Oh, massaging the ashi I see.
Opal: Hey, do you want one too?
Ann: Hai!
4π 10π
A very old football warm up exercise created by former Apopka High School football coach Morton "Bull" Grit. It is essentially a set of squats but spelling 'Darter" in between every rep. What's funny about this is that the letters are made from the body. So if you want an exercise that really gets around, try doing some Darter Downs. You will love it! They are so fun you'll be Dartin' through the mud.
Bull: Hey Bryant, you feel like some exercise? How about a round of Darter Downs?
Bryant: Darter Downs? I don't know what you're talking about.
Bull: (growling) Sure you do. We've done these hundreds of times. Remember, you squat and spell 'Darter'? You know, you use your body to spell it. Remember how fun they are? Come on, let's do a set!
Amos: Darter Downs? I'll bet you Laotian Kips you can't do 50 of them. (saluting) Ten HUT!
Bryant: You're on, you big brig! If only Grandma Marty could see this. (Bull and Bryant start doing Darter Downs) D-A-R-T-E-R. Grrrrrr!
Bull: (laughing at Bryant) He better pay up! He lost. You know, I was once stationed in Ventiane, the capital of Laos.
Bryant: (starts doing another Darter Down) Wow! These are so much fun. From Vero Beach to Ventiane, the Darter Down's got it going on.
Bull: High wing! These rock!
Amos: You've sold me. Here's your Kips.
A pop and rock music dance that imitates the look of a raccoon. Most notably done to 'Jailhouse Rock'. Originated by Technical Sergeant George Riker.
George: (as 'Jailhouse Rock' starts playing) Hey Nick, you want to come do the Raccoon Rock with me? You'll love it!
Nick: (squeals) Oh boy, this is gonna be great!
George: You bet! Nothing beats this dance.
Nick: Nobody dances like George "The Raccoon" Riker.
George: (hugging Nick) That's right. You'll learn to be a Raccoon Rocker in no time.
A push up invented by Amos Halftrack. Done not unlike a normal push up except with the aid of martini glasses which you push up off of. He often does them after a night of partying when he has been stone cold drunk. He also involves his wife, Martha Kate Rogers Halftrack.
Marty: Boy, these Trackups are hard! I don't know how you manage to do these.
Papa Amos: Well, they may be hard, but they work wonders on your arms. Feel this!! (he flexes his bicep and Marty crunches it)
Marty: Boy, that's one tough arm, there!
Papa Amos: That's from years of doing Trackups! Now, its not just any old push up. You've really gotta be in shape to do these babies. (takes a couple of martini glasses and does a trackup off of them to show her what he means)
Marty: Wow!! That's 78-year old bicep there!
Papa Amos: (bends down) Ten HUT! You aren't kidding there Little Missy! You may be my wife, but I'm gonna show you how we brigadier generals work out. (singing to the General Car Insurance theme) You want hard biceps all the time? Try doing Trackups, they're real fine!
Stainy: (comes running in with a Bloody Mary) Mind if I join you? I want to learn these too! (he quickly drinks his drink and sets the glass down on the floor)
Papa Amos: Well, here I'll show you how to do it. Give me that glass for a second. (he gets down on the floor and does another Trackup, which Stainy follows) See, its easy. All you do is push up off the martini glass. You can't do it close-handed or they'll break.
Stainy: Looks easy enough! Would they work on a 92-year old red fox like me?
Papa Amos: (starts laughing and jumping) Yeah, they sure would! You've already got the knack of how to do them. Hey, drop down and knock out 10 more for me. (blowing his whistle) Ten HUT!
2π 2π
Slippers that also act as tennis shoes. They can be worn at night or as normal tennis shoes during the day. They are often worn with a bathrobe when doing the nightly exercises known as "Moon Stretches". The only known pair of Slipper Sneaks belongs to GYSGT. Beatrice Middleton. They are crazy sweet. So if you want your feet to be fit for weeks get yourself a pair of Slipper Sneaks.
Beatrice: Hey honey, did you see that moon? I'd better put on my Slipper Sneaks.
Bryant: Okay, it must be time for our Moon Stretches again. But what are Slipper Sneaks?
Beatrice: Only the most comfy sneakers ever! They're not only slippers, they're tennis shoes. You see here? (she lifts her foot up showing Bryant) See, they look like a tennis shoe. But they're also a slipper.
Bryant: Where can I get a pair? I love these!
Beatrice: Easy, honey. I've got tons of these. Now how about we do a nice, soft massage on you? These Slipper Sneaks would work great for that.
Bryant: Awesome! That felt really good. You almost went whole body, there.
Beatrice: Yes, Slipper Sneaks rule! A sneaker and a slipper combined. The best shoes any Gunny Granny could wear. A Gunny Granny's gotta love her shoes, now. (She kisses Bryant)
20π 3π
A date between Martha Halftrack and Bryant Hollifield. Held unbeknownst to her husband, Amos. Its very sneaky; the other soldiers don't know they're doing it. But Amos finds out everytime.
Marty: Hey, how about a Swampy Romp tonight? We'll sneak around and the boys won't even know.
Bryant: Great! I bet Papa Amos will be mad as a hornet.
Marty: Knowing him he probably will. He'll probably make us do a PT workout. But, hey, its just us. Nobody else.
Bryant: But what if he saw? Would he tell? Would I get thrown off base?
Amos: (hearing Bryant) No. We would never throw you off the base. Not here at Camp Swampy, anyway. Remember, I'm your Papa Amos. And I love you.
Marty: Yeah, and I'm your Grandma Marty. You can't forget that! We always have these little dates. So we're always rompin' around the Swamp.
Bryant: We'll romp around the Swamp tonight. We'll romp around it 'till broad daylight. We're gonna romp, gonna romp, gonna romp around tonight. Its a Swampy Romp!
3π 1π