Refill the Swamp Stapler

To stimulate or manipulate genitalia, usually male, usually of the self, especially to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.

Skippy: "Boy, you're crabby today."
Dale: "Sorry, maybe I should go refill the swamp stapler."

Soldiering through the Long Russian Winter with Napoleon

The act of stroking one's own penis, particularly during a dry spell or a time of deep, crippling loneliness. This is nothing to be ashamed of.

The derivation of this term is in the imagery of one being a soldier in the Grande Armée, while his/her penis represents Napoléon Bonaparte.

"He's been doing surprisingly alright since the breakup. He's just been soldiering through the long Russian winter with Napoleon day by day. Every day. All day."

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Barking at the Wood Waffle

Masturbating, choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, beating off

Sorry I'm late, I was barking at the wood waffle.