Knuckle-Bastards

Semen discharged from an act of self-gratification, usually left to dribble over the thumb of the active hand.

I was in the bathroom after your mum took a shit, so I thought I'd use that time to fire off some knuckle-bastards.

Baconed

A person who makes a half-arsed attempt to do something on behalf of an fellow colleague, but royally screws it up making more work for everyone. Usually accompanied by extreme denial and teflon coated sloping shoulders.

a: "Gary, did you sort out that kidney transplant for tomorrow?"
g: "Nah, but I managed to win a game on Fifa, hows the dialysis going?"
a: "I'm going to die, you've Baconed me!!"