The Briggsy Factor

An art talent contest devised by world-famous arty dwarf, Briggsy. Pretentious arty types compete to win the much-coveted prize of a Briggsy Art Apprenticeship. Every week the artist found to be least impressive is eliminated. As the field dwindles down the creations of the wannabes become ever more ludicrous as they battle to outconceptualize each other in their desperate quest to be Briggsy's protege.

Since winning The Briggsy Factor I've lost count of the number of times I've been bummed by the spotty twat.

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Briggsy Poppins

A gay stage musical starring arty dwarf Briggsy as a flying homosexual nanny. Most notable for the pornographic scene in which Briggsy penetrates the camp cockney chimney-sweep with his umbrella.

Briggsy Poppins? Worst musical since "Gay Jizzerables"

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Briggsy Tramp-Squatting

The disgusting practise of spreading peanut butter in one's own arse crack and then squatting naked over a prostrate homeless person. The tramp has not eaten for days and grabs what he sees as his best chance of a meal with both hands. The peanut butter is devoured by the hungry down-and-out as the squatter grins like a cretin, cheered on by his arty friends. The act was named after its originator Briggsy, the famous gay dwarf artist.

So how did you end up in hospital?

I was Briggsy tramp-squatting and sustained a rather nasty tramp bite. That's why I'm lying on my stomach. My gay arty arse is in agony.

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Briggsy Scale

A scale for determining a person's level of gayness. The scale runs from 1 (a straight person with an unintentional slight minciness in deportment) to 10 (Briggsy - the gayest of the gay).

See that guy with the pink lipstick and pink mini skirt?

The one with 8 guys wanking over him and a huge butt plug in his ass?

Yeah that one. He's number nine on the Briggsy scale.

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Briggsy Board

A type of ouija board used to communicate with grotesque dwarfs and gremlins.

Farmer Giles: I don't need a Briggsy Board to communicate with hideous midgets. I just need to phone DEFRA and ask for Mr Briggs.

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Briggsy's Brothel Bill

A very large sum of money. The term is a reference to the armies of rent boys used by Briggsy, the world famous gay modern artist.

How much do you owe hairy Dennis?

Lord knows! About as much as Briggsy's brothel bill.

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Briggsback Mountain

An X-rated western film starring dwarf artist Briggsy as a gay cowboy who rides across the plains wearing only pink chaps and stetson. He is on a constant quest for cowboy ass. He lassos unfortunate lone horsemen and fistfucks them to oblivion, shouting "yee-hah" all the while.

Keep away from Briggsy's local gay bar or you'll end up with a cameo in the sequel to Briggsback Mountain.

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