blood bowl

HISTORY:

Blood bowls, now commonly practiced only in northern Austria, mainly consist of massive male self-mutilation accompanied by female menstruation. The combination of the two was pioneered in 1879 by Grover Cleveland, and was a major selling point during his 1885 presidential campaign. Following his election into office, the "blood bowling" practice spread overseas, being particularly well-received by Austria and Germany, both well known for occasionally delving into dark sexual practices. Following Cleveland's first term, he attempted to shift his political focus from blood bowls to more controversial topics as definition of human rights, but was met with a loss. Cleveland subsequently returned to his roots, reportedly engaging in anywhere from thirty to fifty blood bowls a day. His second attempt at a second term, in 1893, was a success - he took to performing blood bowls in public, rousing his supporters into an unstoppable rage of gory arousal. Four years of debauchery followed Grover Cleveland's reelection, but the exhaustion of his service proved to be the undoing of his sinister sexual practice. Blood bowling's popularity dropped rapidly in all regions of the world except northern Austria, where it is still "enjoyed" to this day.

PROCEDURE:

Blood bowls, which must be undertaken in any sort of large bowl or urn (hence the name), are commonly, yet logically associated with sadomasochism. The male must begin the ritual by first severing his erect penis at the head, spilling pints of blood into the urn. Once a healthy puddle has accumulated, the female must present her own offering - plunging a knife repeatedly into the walls of her menstruating genitalia. At this point, the female's work is finished, but the male must continue to mutilate his manhood, utilizing any grotesque method his imagination can provide. Once he feels he has done sufficient work, he inserts himself into the female as he would for normal intercourse - note that at this point, the bowl in which he and his partner are copulating should be drenched in blood at least three inches in depth. As a result of the mutual genital deformation, intercourse is accompanied by blinding pain. Masochists, therefore, take great pleasure in the experience.

"Dude, Grover Cleveland totally blood bowled my wife the other day, and we're getting a divorce."

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