Rural Dictionary

churn rate

1. The rate at which new employees vacate a given job or company, based on dissatisfaction with bad work conditions.

2. The rate at which a person's previous meal vacates his or her stomach, based on the intensity of their vomitting.

3. The rate at which a man's semen vacates his testicles, prostate, and Cowper's glands, based on the intensity of masturbation.

All: Yale's MBA program postulates the "Churn Rate Paradigm" as:

Client's churn rate = k(worker's stomach churn rate) = k(new worker's churn rate)

The intervariable relation is proportional and geometric.

1. The new-employee churn rate at my previous job was really high.

2. The work itself was nauseating. I would vomit at least twice a day. On high traffic days, employee stomach churn rate was even higher.

3. It was a mopping job at a sperm bank/peep show/gay brothel (delete as appropriate). For some reason, I always ended up with the highest clientele churn rate. I hated that job. I'm going back to Taco Bell.

by HMB February 11, 2004

53👍 11👎

SMVC

Shoulder Mounted Video Camera: (noun) The weapon of choice for today's journalist in use in self defence, when they find themselves embedded with American soldiers abroad in some festering petrochemical shithole of a desert nation fighting a war that they don't want and can't win, wearing a distinctinve "Shoot me please!" Army uniform.

Soldier: Dude, you are so dead when we move out to Ramallah. I hear them Eye-rackies out there got RPGs up the wazoo.

NBC reporter: Aha! Well that's where you're wrong my friend. I have an SMVC! FEAR MY VIDEO CAMERA.

Soldier: Christ.

by HMB November 18, 2003

37👍 11👎

shotgun

1. A category of smoothbore firearm that fires pellets (shot) or slugs. Comes in break-action or pump-action variants. Known to cause fits of unpredictable joy in HMBs.

2. A method of defecation whereby the buttocks are spread prior to discharge.

3. An esoteric form of bukkake. Upon reaching the vinegar strokes, the shotgun initiator must hold his scrotum in one hand and his shaft in the other, and pump between each ejaculation. This is derived from the manner of operating a pump-action shotgun, although the ammunition in question is completely different.

4. Any wedding whereby the groom is extremely morose and the bride is extremely pregnant.

5. A type of corridor-style house where the front door and back door line up and are usually directly connected by a single, straight hallway.

1. The TIE Pilot HuManBing was lying in wait, with his shotgun sight trained on a hill.
His recent work freelancing had tired him of late, so he took some time off for a kill.
Away on a hilltop, cavorting around, effete and effeminate prey,
Were multiple Yoshi, inchoate and dozy, about whom the TIE Pilot said:

"Blood! Blood! Glorious blood! Nothing quite like it to make one feel good!
So slide-shuck your shotgun, assuming you've got one,
And then we'll go pot some for glorious blood!"

(This can be sung to the tune of "The Hippopotamus" if so desired.)

2. Last night, I ate so much curry and then took a shotgun dump, and now my toilet is full of crapnel that won't flush away.

3. "It is inadvisable for neophyte bukkakist to attempt shotgun without presence of trained professional medical team. Please also to ensure that said team is well equipped with defibrillators, Viagra, and large cotton sock in case of emergency." *demure titter, covers face with fan* ~ Speech given at the entrance of the Sapporo Tourist Baths by the geisha guide.

4. Girlfriend: Guess what, Brad!
Boyfriend: You're going to put a stud in your tongue and use ice cubes next time?
Girlfriend: No - I'm pregnant! :D
Boyfriend: SHIT.
Girlfriend: We're going to have a baby! :D
Boyfriend: FUCK.
Girlfriend: There's going to be the pitter-patter of little feet in the house! :D
Boyfriend: ARSE.
Girlfriend: What type of marriage would you like? White or peach?
Boyfriend: SCROTE.
Girlfriend: Ohmygosh I'm going to have to call all my girlfriends so they can come over to coo and fawn solicitously in a sickening display of female hormonal Pavlovian response! :D
Boyfriend: TIT.
Girlfriend: What's the matter, dear? I sense a divergence of our emotive dispositions at this juncture.
Boyfriend: I'M NOT MARRYING ANYBODY. GODDAMIT I'M ONLY 23.
Girlfriend: Well, my Daddy's a federal marshal. We *could* make it a Magnum funeral, if you prefer.
Boyfriend: ...
Girlfriend: (singing, unhelpfully) Goin' to the cha-pel an' we're - gonna get ma-a-a-ried...

5. Agent Powell, here are your mission objectives:
A) Ride SHOTGUN with the Ret. Gen. to the Crawford rural area.
B) Approach SHOTGUN ranch through front door.
C) Force entry using rifled slug ammunition in SHOTGUN to remove the locking mechanism.
D) De-elect the resident with a SHOTGUN to the face.
E) Locate and de-elect the vice-resident with a SHOTGUN to the face.
F) After which, lower trousers and apply generous SHOTGUN to the face.
G) Spray Lysol in the air. It is the polite thing to do.

by HMB December 18, 2004

615👍 336👎

knock one out

1. To masturbate to orgasm (usually suffixed by "over" something or somebody). This is usually but not exclusively used to describe male masturbation.
2. To lose consciousness (3rd person). Used when describing a general nonspecific occurrence.
3. To lose consciousness (1st person Royal). Used exclusively by members of the hereditary ruling families of English speaking countries to describe what happened to them when they were last playing "Who's the Tampon, Camilla?"
4. (imperative) An injunction given, in the 2nd person singular, to knock out one of whatever is to be knocked out.

1. "Did you see that .jpeg of Madonna with the thong and pickled egg? I was on my way to work but when I saw that in my inbox I was waylaid by the need to rest awhile and knock one out."
2. "Billy, have you been knocking one out over here? The smell in this room is enough to knock one out."
3. "One has been knocking one out, one must pronounce oneself feeble as the strain of so doing has been enough to knock one out."
4. When two Scouse teenagers - wearing Kappa tracksuits and sporting formidable Scouse 'fro hairstyles - are going around smashing windows of buildings, and come across a 14th century church with several irreplaceable Gothic stained glass windows depicting scenes from the life of the Virgin Mary, passersby may often hear one Scouse youth inquire of the other whether the ecclesiastical image is worthy to be spared from their brand of urban renewal. The response is frequently "A-right, we'll just knock one out, then, an' leave the rest, okay Barry?" (HMB's Guide to Liverpool Nightlife, Fodders and Stoughton, 1993)

by HMB April 6, 2003

145👍 16👎

TMD

1. Territorial Missile Defence. The deployment of anti-missile interceptors and detectors to render a small territory (eg an island democracy) safe from missile attack by a continental adversary (eg a mainland dictatorship). This term is largely used to describe hotspots like Taiwan, Israel, and downtown LA.

2. A virulent Chinese curse, as per WMD and NMD. This is usually used of a thing or person in the third person. The meaning is somewhat akin to "that jerk" or "this useless piece of crap". Literally it means "of its/his/her mother".

1. President Bush: "China is a strategic competitor and we will sell Taiwan submarines and anti-missile defences and advanced naval technologies but China is our ally in the war against terror so we will not supply anything that would disturb the status quo and we support the One China policy and the Taiwanese people should be entitled to hold their own elections without military response from the mainland and could you please stop selling such cheap bras and panties please? We'll promise not to sell Taiwan a TMD if you do."

2. Chinese President Hu Jintao: "WTF is Bush talking about?"

Taiwanese President Chen Shui-Bian: "Dude, I don't know. TMD."

Chinese President Hu Jintao: "Damn straight. TMD. Nice spliff, BTW."

Taiwanese President Chen Shui-bian: "Thx."

by HMB March 13, 2004

122👍 55👎

erse

churn rate

SMVC

shotgun

knock one out

TMD

HMB