Monkey chum in the face

A term used to describe a task, chore or event so excruciatingly unpleasant, it’s almost beyond endurance. In other words, you’d rather have a monkey sling his chum in your face than go through one more second of this agony.

"Hey Bob, how's that project coming?"
"Oh man, Steve, I'm telling ya, I'd rather have a monkey sling his chum in my face."

"So, how did the visit with the in-laws go?"
"Like four straight hours of monkey chum in the face."

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Slinging chum

To ejaculate -- especially to ejaculate particularly hard or with unusually great force.

"Man, my girlfreind gave me such a great handjob last night, I was slinging chum!"

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Cow pissing on a flat rock

A particularly hard rain storm. In other words, it's coming down so hard, it's as if a cow is pissing on a flat rock.

"Wow, look at them clouds rolling in."
"Yep, it's getting set to rain like a cow pissing on a flat rock!"

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Beast from Within

An astoundingly huge and horrible fart; the kind that can clear a room, or even an entire grocery store – a fart from which there is no escape for innocent bystanders.

The act of letting such a fart is to "set loose the Beast from Within."

"Hey, why is everybody leaving?"
"Don't go in there!"
"Why not?"
"Frank just set loose the Beast from Within!"

Yard-long Hardon

To be caught up in a state of excessive excitement, obsession, yearning or overindulgence; either specifically sexual, or in a more general sense.

“Man, have you seen Cindy lately?”
“Oh yeah, that girl gives me a yard-long hardon.”

“This new project they have us on is a pain in the ass!”
“Yes it is. But if I were you, I’d quit complaining and get back to work. All the brass have a yard-long hardon for this thing.”

“I’ve got to get my son off his butt and outside this summer. The boy has a yard-long hardon for pizza and Playstation, and if he doesn’t get active, he’s gonna be fat as an elephant.”

CoJack

A masturbatory fantasy involving an attractive co-worker.

"Did you see what Jessica in Customer Service is wearing today?"

"Oh yeah. I think after work, I'm gonna have to run home and have myself a CoJack."

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