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The largest lumberjack, this side of the Mississippi. He can wrestle 3 bears with one hand behind is back.
Hank hasn't spoken to his children in over 15 years. He doesn't pay child support.
Hank lives in a cabin in North Minnesota, where he lives with four squirrels. There were originally 5, but there was a fatality, during a thumb wrestling match. Rest In Peace, poor Billy.
Hank has a robust collection of flannel shirts. Used to model for Black and Decker.
Member of the Dean Koontz Family Tree.
Squirrel 1: Hank Boontz, don't do it!
Hank: He shouldn't of disrespected me.
Squirrel 2: Hank, I don't think he knew that was your wife's closet.
Squirrel 5: I'm sorry! I won't do it again!
Hank: Challenge me to a thumb wrestling match for your life.
Splonald, from out of the corner: Did you guys remember to pick up cheese?
Squirrel 4: Yea, I got it.
Splonald: Thanks. *relinquishes back to the corner*
Squirrel 5: Tell your wife those acorns aren't for her. And those were the only nuts I was talking about busting in your wife's closet.
Hank after landing the final blow on Squirrel 5: Well shit, this is awkward.
Squirrel 3: THAT'S A LOT OF NUTS!
Splonald Squanson is a man who walks through life not knowing where he may rest his head. But as long as he has his mixture of illicit drugs, he will be ok.
This man also may smell of carrots, and will have a creamy demeanor about him. You've been warned.
Member of the Dean Koontz family tree.
"You're a real Splonald Squanson."
"Guzuntite."
Dean Koontz is a pioneer of fictional descriptive novels. He owns many golden retrievers.
Alternative definition: Splonald Squanson
Me to my friend: "You're a Dean Koontz."
My friend: "Why thank you, sir."
Me: "You're not welcome."
My friend: "DEAAAANN!"
Me: "Creamy :)"