Monger-monger

A Professional Agent, Manager, Representative or Talent Scout of -mongers, such as Fish-mongers, Iron-mongers and War-mongers.

(It should be noted that the organizer of industry events specifically for the Monger-monger community is called a Monger-monger-monger.)

Bill the Fish-monger: “Hi Brian, does Dave represent you, too?”
Brian the Iron-monger: “Hi Bill, yes he does. Dave is the best Monger-monger in town.”
Barry the War-monger: “I will fight you both… if Dave thinks that’s the right next move for me.”

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Youmidity

The measure of moisture in you - used as a metric to determine how much you want it. High youmidity means that you are hot, moist, sticky or wet - indicating you want it really bad - and low youmidity means you are cold and dry - indicating you lack empathy and need to relax.

Booty Caller: “Hi honey-bun, I’m sorry I haven’t called in a while. I’ve been super busy with work. I miss you. How’s the weather where you are?”
Booty Callee: “High youmidity, babe. How quickly can you get here?”

Win-Challenged

Politically correct description of a loser

Teacher: “Where is Nick?”
Nick’s Sister: “He missed the bus this morning.”
Teacher: “That gut-bucket probably spent twenty minutes just trying to tie his shoe laces. What a win-challenged excuse for lumpy lard that kid is."

Muel

Verb: To spend years investigating something yet end up having no opinion about it.

(Note: one who muels is known as a Mueller

Attorney General: "I would like you to muel over the evidence."
Mueller: "On it.

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A-S-A-P-T-S-D

A subset of the psychological diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (P.T.S.D.) caused specifically by corporate culture’s unrelenting need for every fucking thing to be delivered “as soon as possible” (A.S.A.P.), without any fucking regard to what is reasonable, thus creating a withering climate of perpetual panic & psychological breakdown.

VP Marketing: “Where the fuck are my product renders.”
Art director: “Dave is working on that. He is on no sleep & his 7th coffee this morning. We are on it.”
VP Marketing: “I asked for them two days ago & I present in Paris in Wednesday. I NEED those hero shots now!”

Art Director: “I understand, & you will get them today. Phil needed the packaging colors addressed & bumped the renders - sorry.”
VP Marketing: “I don’t care about packaging. Let me talk to Dave. If you can’t manage your team, I will.”
Art Director: “Dude - Dave is this close to serious A-S-A-P-T-S-D, and is threatening to quit. Let me handle this.”

Loserphone

A covert & ingenious way to label the Sousaphone player of a marching-band as a loser, by pretending to accidentally mispronounce the ridiculous instrument he has to carry.

Marching-band spectator #1: “Oh, god, here they come.”
Marching-band spectator #2: “Drummers #killingit, cheerleaders #SoHot. Who’s that on Loserphone, sorry, I mean Sousaphone?”
Marching-band spectator #1: “Nick.”
Marching-band spectator #2: “Figures.”

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Lombard’s Way

Strategy. When offered two or more reasonable and practical approaches to a challenge, “Lombard’s Way” would be to strategically choose a third, unreasonable or impractical response. (Orig. from J. M. Lombard’s seminal work: Spear warfare in the age of tanks”)

Wing Man: “Dude, she is totally checking you out.”
Alpha Male: “What are my options?”
Wing Man: “I see two good approaches; 1) smile at her and introduce your self, or 2) ask her if you can buy her and her friends a drink. Both are strong.”
Alpha Male: “Excellent, and agreed. But I think I will kiss you instead for about 15 seconds.”
Wing Man: “Sweet strategy. Textbook use of Lombard’s Way.”