calories

Small goblins that hide in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.

She went on a diet because she had too many calories

sex

What every internet stranger had with my mom

My mom brings home her new boyfriend to meet me. “Hello Alex,” he says. “Or do you prefer the name 𝑥_𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑥𝑥?“

“Madman772?” I say, my voice dripping with fear.
“Thats right,” His smile was sinister — his tone powerful. “I told you I’d have sex with your mom, 𝑑𝑖𝑑𝑛’𝑡 𝐼?“ I let out a scream of pure primal terror.

Pussy

Short for the word pusillanimous meaning timid or cowardly

Guy: Pussy
Me, an intellectual: PUSILLANIMOUS

failure

Misspelling something so badly that autocorrect doesn’t have any suggestions

I am a jigantik failure

cheerios

Legend has it, if you plant a cheerio in sacred ground, you’ll get a donut plant

I eat Cheerios because they’re heart healthy...

And my heart has been severely damaged...

So John if you’re out there-