failure

Misspelling something so badly that autocorrect doesn’t have any suggestions

I am a jigantik failure

calories

Small goblins that hide in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.

She went on a diet because she had too many calories

Pussy

Short for the word pusillanimous meaning timid or cowardly

Guy: Pussy
Me, an intellectual: PUSILLANIMOUS

sex

What every internet stranger had with my mom

My mom brings home her new boyfriend to meet me. “Hello Alex,” he says. “Or do you prefer the name 𝑥_𝑐𝑎𝑝𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑥𝑥?“

“Madman772?” I say, my voice dripping with fear.
“Thats right,” His smile was sinister — his tone powerful. “I told you I’d have sex with your mom, 𝑑𝑖𝑑𝑛’𝑡 𝐼?“ I let out a scream of pure primal terror.

cheerios

Legend has it, if you plant a cheerio in sacred ground, you’ll get a donut plant

I eat Cheerios because they’re heart healthy...

And my heart has been severely damaged...

So John if you’re out there-