Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen:

What do *I* say to that? Well, for starters, he's--most arguably--the oldest virgin in the history of the oldest virgins every recorded. Somehow, I can't understand how he has pale skin but goes into the sun and fucking SPARKLES. How the fuck do you sparkle with pale skin? I'm pretty sure even that Count Dracula himself can't answer that...

Anywho, as Bella may see him as "kind", "caring", "stubborn"... Poor girl. For an "intelligent" person, you sure are one DUMB retard. Edward is ABUSIVE! He is insecure, Bella! Look it up!


Who the hell watches you sleep at night(and you don't even know the motherfucker, either)? Who the hell contemplates suicide when he can't have the one he loves?

...Right.

Anywho, seeing as Edward Cullen is the prettiest "vampire" EVER, I suppose fangirls would take an immediate disliking to this. (Like I give a damn...)

Anyway, Edward lives out his pathetically "gorgeous" life with his vampire lover/toy Bella and their daughter, the spawn of satan, Rene-- ...I give up trying to pronounce her name.

Retarded Fangirl: Like OMG! Twilight has a happy ending! Edward Cullen issofuckinghotlikeOMGIcan'ttakeitanymore!

Sensible Person: Yeah, uh...Shut the hell up.

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