newscrush

Unrequited love aimed at a charismatic member of the broadcast media. Increasingly attractive, cosmetically and often surgically enhanced screen readers, have been developed to foster feelings of puppy love in their audience. Brainwashing intensifies as the hypnotic bond strengthens. If you find yourself sporting a giddy smile when you see your news source, it’s time to turn the channel.

I just can’t find an unbiased news source. Where do you get all of your info?

I watch Tucker. He’s so right about everything and I love his eyes, and his nose, and hair, and tan. and ties.

That dude? Really? I think you’ve got a newscrush on him. Turn the channel.

How did you know who to vote for?

The love of my life told me, Rachel on channel 72.

You know her?

I don’t know her know her, but I know her, you know? Like when she's looking into my eyes and teaching me stuff...

Turn that channel. You got a newscrush.

bummspired

1- To be simultaneously inspired to achieve greatness and bummed out because you know you’ll never attain it. Perhaps it’s seeing a supercar of your dreams that you have no hope of renting, let alone owning. Maybe it’s when you see somebody on instagram posting from a private jet saying something like “reach for the skies” but you’ve never even flown economy plus. It’s definitely the feeling you get when you see how close you are now to Obama’s age when he became president.

2- It’s that fleeting jealously you get driving by a homeless person on the way to a job you hate. Sure their life is probably hell but they’re free, man, free, and sometimes they have a dog, and the dog loves them. They get to camp for free without a parks pass, and they sure as hell don’t need to go to any meetings.

3- It’s that burst of enthusiasm that you get when you see a great looking perky bum on instagram, a booty so fine that you immediately start searching for butt workout vids on youtube and commit to hiring a trainer.

1. Why are you looking bravely forward with your chin up and crying at the same time?

Every time I see a yacht I get bummspired, it’s like a mental explosion of need-to-hustle and knowing I got no chance of owning any kind of a boat.

Costco has kayaks. That's a kind of boat and they're cheap.

Shut up. Ain't nothing bummspirational about a kayak.

2. Do you ever just wish you could drop out of the rat race and be homeless?

Out of the rat race to live in a rat place? Are you high?

Yeah, nah, you’re right, you’re right, I just tend to get bummspired on Mondays.

3. Whoa! Your butt’s looking fab. What happened?

A few months ago I saw celebrity fitness model @JessicaBabyFat on instagram, doing squats and she changed my life. I was instantly bummspired.

I’m bummspired just hearing you talk about your bummspiration.