Unprecedented Times

A dispensation of time where you are expected to be ripping your hair out, growing a beard, supermanning women, leaving your new wife to sneak off with Larsa Pippen, get as many women pregnant as possible all at once like Nick Cannon, and of course use lots and lots of hand sanitizer, also known as 2020.

These are some unprecedented times. It turns out we survived the pandemic and now I'm 30lbs bigger with 3 kids on the way and I have to explain to my wife where I've been.

Karen

Karen is a person who threatens to shoot their neighbors for playing with fireworks and then goes to the police with white woman tears when they get upset about being spoke to that way.

Karen just threatened my life and then dialed 911 when I said, "hey f*ck you, Karen." Karen is a b*tch.

5👍 9👎

I hope this email finds you well

An example of the perils of virtual working during COVID. When you're on your death bed and your employer emails you to see if you've met your deadline yet

"I hope this email finds you well. I know you're busy dying and all, but did you have a chance to finish that presentation?"

1👍 1👎

Mask Up

The last thing on your checklist before committing crime.

"Hey guys, we're going to rob this bank. Everybody mask up. Don't be like the idiots that got caught rioting on Jan 6th at the US Capitol that didn't wear masks."

4👍 2👎

Snatched

A waistline so incredibly thin it can only be obtained by the most dedicated of bulimics

Her waist is like so snatched... like CPS took her kids snatched

Social distancing

When you're in a bar and the guy that's had 7 drinks too many comes in your direction and you step back to give him 6 feet.

Guy: *stammers* "Can I number get your.."

Woman: "Social distancing! Give me 6 feet."

Elbow bumps

a kama sutra position where both elbows come together causing an elbow bump

"Yo, didn't you go out with Kelly last night?"

"Sure did. And when it was all over, I was giving her elbow bumps across the dresser."