Indian reservation

A large-party reservation at a popular restaurant made and later canceled at the last minute.

The wait-staff at Dorsia's are dicks. Let's call in an Indian reservation for 20 people.

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belaboring his pumpkin

1. beating the top of one's head

2a. having sex with a pumpkin*
2b. masturbating

*Fun fact: If you have sex with a pumpkin, you are actually having sex with a fruit, not a vegetable...so the taboo does not apply!

1. From Canto XVIII of Dante's "Inferno" (Longfellow translation):

And he thereon, belaboring his pumpkin:
"The flatteries have submerged me here below,
Wherewith my tongue was never surfeited."

2. I have to go bail my uncle out. They picked him up for belaboring his pumpkin in a Wal-Mart dressing room.

Driving buzz

The 2-4 drink baseline buzz required for exceptionally good highway and residential driving.

Ex-wife: Hurry up or we'll be late for our son's funeral!

Ex-husband: Then we're gonna be late because I don't have my driving buzz yet.

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Replacement dog

The dog you get to replace the one who just died.

Lady at the park: You have an adorable puppy.
Me: Thanks, she's a replacement dog.
LatP: What do you mean?
Me: She replaced the dog that just died. In fact, I think she one-upped her.

LatP: You're horrible.
Me: pssh, bitch

handshot

Reaching distance; arm's length.

Husband: "Hand me that thing".
Wife: "It's not within handshot".
Husband: "I never really loved you".

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noseshot

1. Proximity to a pleasant or unleasant odor.

2. Consuming 1-2 ounces of a high-proof alcoholic beverage through one's nasal passage. (not advised nder any cirumstances)

1. No matter where you are in the zoo, you always seem to be within noseshot of the elephants.

2. Only the most expensive insurance plans cover the ER visit that always follows a noseshot.

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Ayn Rand effect

Treating your friends, family, and co-workers like a self-important prick for a short period of time following the completion of any work written by the philosopher and author Ayn Rand. The strength and duration of the effect is directly proportional to the length of the work read.

Co-worker #1: Hey, what's with Steve? I asked him to sponsor me in the Cancer walk this weekend and he told me I was evil.
Co-worker #2: Oh, it must be the Ayn Rand effect. I saw him reading 'The Fountainhead' in the break room.

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