purplepotamus

The most feared of all office animals. Usually dresses in purple and has purple hair and purple hide. Its official name is Purplepotamus Dottiensis. Its roar can be heard for miles. It is notorious for being lazy. It has a terrible temper and it is dangerous to approach it. Also known as FAPLAW, or "Fat-Ass-Psychotic-Lazy-Ass-Windbag." Looks like a cross between Mimi from The Drew Carey Show and a rhinoceros.

The Purplepotamus spends most of its free time whining and shopping online.

9👍 4👎

Granola

1. If you run out you can go get some in your Toyota Corolla.

2. Be careful not to get any on your feather boa.

3. You can eat some while while climbing to the top of Krakatoa.

4. Do you remember from the 80's the Ayatollah Assahola?

Granola, Granola
Granola & Beelzebub on Krakatoa,
Granola........

8👍 68👎

scump

1. (verb) The act of stumbling over an invisible bump in the floor.

2. (noun) The sound one makes when skumping. Usually sounds like a simian grunt.

3. (proper verb) A highly exaggerated form of stumbling performed by a Scape (or Skape). *Perform* is the operative word here. An ordinary scump is more than a regular trip or bump anyway. When done by a Scape, Scumping (note the capitalization) involves wild gestures, blood-curdling shrieks of terror and pain. It is always followed by imaginary injuries and paranoid accusations.

While a normal scump could be the result of tripping over a previously-unseen bump, a Scump is always done for attention and never involves any physical contact, except whatever the Scape ends up falling into (a barrel, a shelf, a table, etc). A Scump has no discernible cause, though the Scape usually tries to blame them on a roadblock of some sort which was purposely left in its way. If ignored, a Scump will be forgotten, though it might resurface in future tales.

Usual suspect causes of a Scump include tables, barrels on the other side of the room, cracks in the floor, and errant dust particles.

1. "Hey, Zeke, what happened?"

"I was headed to the conference room, and suddenly I tripped on a scump."

2. (Walking across the hall)

"Hey, Clem! How're you - ooffff! Scump!"

3. "Someone must have put that table in my way on purpose, because I never saw it before and I fell and..."

"Oh, great. The Scape just Scumped again."

24👍 23👎

hillbilly haiku

A poem, spoken by hillbillies, that *sounds* something like haiku but doesn't scan like it. A hillbilly haiku doesn't fit the 5-7-5 syllable scheme, or even have three lines, because hillbillies can't count.

This is a hillbilly haiku.

Dead dogs
Dead, dead dogs.

37👍 14👎

Peepseclette

A bicycle made from marshmallows, popular in France.

Ride my peepseclette, my marshmallow bike.

6👍 2👎

manceptionist

A receptionist of dubious sexual identity.

Zeke: The new receptionist's voice is kinda husky, don't you think?

Clem: That's because we've hired a manceptionist.

13👍 3👎

Predapotamus

Final evolutionary stage of the Purplepotamus. Distinguished by its bellowing rage and increasingly suicidal behavior. A Predapotamus is usually driven into extinction quickly since its actions are not thought out in advance.

Daisy Mae: The Predapotamus was fired after sending an inflammatory e-mail officewide about how much she hates the person sitting next to her.