Softie

1. A person who is very tender-hearted when it comes to people and animals. A compassionate and gentle person, sometimes not always apparent from their rougher exterior, and yet some softies are so obvious that they become pushovers.

2. A semi-flaccid penis.

3. Bill Clinton.

"Fonzie acts like he's a leather-jacketed hooligan, but all his friends like Richie and Potsie know deep down the Fonz is really a softie."

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Turducken

1. An erotic threesome involving birds: a turkey, a duck, and a hen.

From a cartoon drawn by David Farley in 2003 with three such birds exhausted in bed, with the caption below: "Having satisfied their curiosity, the three friends went their separate ways, and never discussed 'making a turducken' again."

2. Three birds in a barrel given as a Halloween treat, very similar in conception as the festive game, bobbing for apples. First used in the 2004 Homestar Runner Cartoon for Halloween.

"Bobbing for Turduckens!" --Homestar Runner

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Blubber Face

1. To sob deliriously, especially if the weeping face has a fair amount of jowls and wag.

2. Someone who is in the process of choking on a turducken.

3. Rush Limbaugh.

"All that right-wing talk radio is full of blubber face!"

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Tom Waits

1. A hobo whimsy best expressed by a musical and lyrical genius that is legendary and rich with sly legerdemain. A Gypsy talent.

2. A national treasure usually found roughing it among vagrant campfires, eating baked beans, singing verses of box cars and Martha, playing harmonica that is kept in his coat's breast pocket on cold nights.

3. A dancing set of bones--such as the Elephant Man--summoned up from the dead to take the listener on an eerie ride, i.e. the Gospel Train on Halloween.

"Tom Waits for no man. But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." --Nick Cave to Henry Mancini

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Tutti Frutti

1. Slang for a Homosexual.

2. Ice cream with bits of candied fruit.

3. An early rock song written by Little Richard and covered by Pat Boone but not by Tom Waits.

"A wop bop a loo bop, a wop bam boom, Tutti Frutti, aw Rudi!" --Little Richard

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Drew Curtis

A Heineken lovin', squirrelly Kentuckian who likes boobies and pithy headlines for his website, Fark.

It has been rumored that he is of questionable French descent though he'll never let on, and some net surfers proclaim him King of the Internets (with Burger King crown). He has never held a Fark party in Paris, but he just might show up in Yeehaw Junction, Florida, if there are enough ladies in lingerie.

He believes that Duke sucks--it's his one bias he allows on his website, though normally neutrality prevails. Conservatives think his site is liberal; Liberals think he's a flamewar instigator; and Green party members question his PETA headlines and the pancake rabbit photos.

Sometimes you can find even me, Lace Valentine, on Fark, farking it up. Fark is a word Drew invented, possibly a combination of Fart and Fuck. The filter on his website turns assorted curse words into humorous spellings.

"Drew Curtis will turn you from Farklite to TotalFarker for only five bucks a month."

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Internets

The term, Internets, is used only when referring to the uber-secret internet used only by Government and Bush cronies, thus plural.

Dear Reader, the internet you are now on is not the secondary one but the primary one invented by Al Gore. You are on the internet versus the internets.

"I hear there's rumors on the internets..."

--George W. Bush at the Presidential Debate

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