Mad Friday

The last Friday before Christmas.

Should Christmas perchance fall on a Saturday, then Mad Friday will fall precisely one week before Christmas Eve.

Urban tradition dictates that the erstwhile person will inbible copious amounts of alcohol and fornicate (preferably in pub / nightclub toilets).

Mad Friday has, by Leeds City Council, in a futile attempt to attain Political Correctness, been renamed Feel Good Friday.

Footnote: Also known as 'Black Friday' in the barbarian lands of Scotland.

1st person: If I may trouble you, Sir, may I kindly enquire as to whether you will be attending the organ recital this Friday before Chrstmas?

Rudeboy: What gwan there Gangsta? 'Tis Mad Friday! Me gonna be wi me Red Stripe and rassing some gyal in da toilets! Bumbaclaat!

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Festive Faeces

The art and science of defecating on another's doorstep on Christmas Day. Several sources credit the first use of the word to the urban legend Leeds Dr Rudeboy.

Effective management of such an undertaking involves a four-fold course of action, namely;

1. Visiting the local drinking establishment, followed by local nightclub, on Christmas Eve and early hours of Christmas Day. At some point during the evening, it would be rude to not visit Wetherspoons. Consumption of copious amounts of alcohol then proceeds throughout the evening.

2. Reconnaissance of a likely target whilst walking home, namely, houses in locations where the local cuntstabulary are unlikely to be driving past.

3. The said act of elimination onto the doorstep. Should the perpetrator be a Scouser*, then breaking and entering is, of course, the next natural course of action for the erstwhile Liverpudlian.

4. Wiping one rusty ringpiece with the fresh snow. Caution is advised for those presenting with haemorrhoids.

*The erstwhile Scouser may wish to declare any profits from the said breaking and entering on the next occasion he/she signs on within the following fortnight at the local Jobcentre Plus.

1st person: Well, that fine selection of of Cliff Richard records certainly has put me in the mood for the Queen's Speech tomorrow! Shall we retire early and let St Nicholas pay his visit?

Rudeboy: What whoa! Ya dumbclaat! I and I is gonna do a festive faeces on dem doorsteps!

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Cool Runnings

Adverb & verb.

1. The title of a well-known 1993 comedy, starring the late John Candy (dir. Jon Turteltaub). The film concerns the first Jamaican bob-sled team. It is loosely based on the true story of the Jamaica national bobsled team's debut in the bobsleigh competition of the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta.

2. Jamaican patois. The phrase 'cool runnings' literally means, 'go in peace' or, 'safe journey'. A useful salutation at the end of a text message, 'cool runnings' may be considered as a synonym of 'stay black'. Several bona fide sources credit first usage as a salutation in text messages, to the urban legend Leeds Dr Rudeboy.

University Professor: Well Leeds Dr Rudeboy, your recent contribution on the collective oscillation modes of electrons has really set the Physics world talking!

Leeds Dr Rudeboy: What whoa! Me gwan drink some rum! Cool runnings, my brother of color!

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