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Soccermom
n.
Characteristics:
1. Caucasian.
2. Has no job, gets her money from successful husband.
3. Has either a minivan or an SUV.
4. Usually Christian
5. Child(ren) think they're "all that" then turn "rebel."
Appearance:
1. A (ridiculously) over-sized bag
2. One-inch heels ALL the TIME.
3. Expensive sunglasses.
4. Off-red nail polish on their toenails and fingernails.
5. Optional: Botox
6. Bad makeup.
Children?
The soccermom's child(ren) are often brought up with no free time, doing sports, dance, karate, art, theater, music, you name it. Some children do up to three or four activities a night, then do homework until about 11 at night. In school, a soccermom's child(ren) may either be a) popular, extremely bitchy, and hang out with the other popular children or b) extremely bitchy, hang out with children they know from dance, or any other of their millions after-school activities. A soccermom's child(ren) eats little for lunch, though their lunches are always 100 percent organic. During puberty, the once perfect "little angels" begin to "rebel" by...
1. Listening to a song with the word "hell" in it.
2. Wearing the same pair of Gap jeans twice.
3. Staying up past their bedtimes.
4. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend (usually this only applies to a girl, as a soccermom's daughter usually feels the need to hide her "illicit" activities from her parents)
5. Kiss this boyfriend/girlfriend... on the cheek.
6. Hug this boyfriend/girlfriend
7. Wear a little bit of makeup (like clear lip gloss.)
Also, a soccermom's children either a) grow up to be just like their parents or b) grow up to be nothing like their parents, join Peace Corps, and go live in Afghanistan.
Views:
-All video games rated T and over = pornographic, inappropriate, will kill the minds of their already vegetative children.
-All music with "cuss words" (eg, crap, hell) should be banned in America for the sake of little children (all people under age 18. Sometimes 21.)
-No alcohol whatsoever for people in college (even if they're over 21.)
-No Co-Ed housing in college. ("We can all be Soroity sisters! How does that sound, Mary Ann?")
-Heavy Metal, Grunge, Rock, Metal, Death Metal, Alternative= bad. Pop, Country= good, as long as the country is by Carrie Underwood, and even then, certain parts MUST be bleeped out.
-All little girls should be little girls. (eg, "No, Mary Ann, you can't be a dirty old mechanic when you grow up.")
-All little boys should be little boys. (eg, "No, Gary Stu, you can't be a fashion designer like Armani when you grow up.)
-Complete control over everything.
-Ban multiplayer games (eg, Runescape, Club Penguin) in their city/town because "I don't want MY little angels to be kidnapped" while their "little angels" often have secret accounts on multiplayer games.
"I'm sorry, Mary Ann can't play today. She's got jazz dance, then hip-hop dance, then we eat dinner as a family, then she's got ballet."
((As a substitute teacher in the 12th grade.))
Soccermom/Substitute Teacher: "Here, kids, while you do your work, let's listen to some Kidz Bop!"
Teenager 1: "Why not some Linkin Park?"
Teenager 2: "I know, let's listen to Aerosmith."
Teenager 3: "What about Elvis?"
Teenager 4: "I'd prefer Atreyu or Disturbed myself."
Soccermom: "NO! Those bands are useless excuses for music! They will pollute your mind! They are Satanic, for Pete's sake!"
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-Also called OMES.
"Oh my eighties sitcom!" is a term meaning "oh my god!"
However, OMES is usually said when something mind-numbingly sweet or heroic happens, derived from eighties' sitcoms which almost always had a happy ending, or good ultimately triumphs over evil.
Can also be used to express sarcasm.
Star Trek: The Next Generation is a good example of OMES, where Picard almost always finds a way to ultimately defeat the bad guy... but that's another story altogether.
Trixie: It was so sweet... Rob asked Ellie out after having a crush on her for three whole weeks!
Delaney: Oh My Eighties Sitcom!
Sammy: And then, at the last minute, Mary Sue managed to save the day!
Lizzie: OMES...
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Kidz Bop.
1. A series of CD's, now on their 18th CD, featuring children attempting to sing the recent pop hits. A soccermom may buy this for her first-grade children to listen to in the van on the way to soccer practice. Most of these "rising stars" (aka Kidz Bop children) were found at Chuck E Cheese, putt-putt golf, the movie theater watching a G-rated movie, or sometimes a lemonade stand in the Midwest. These "rising stars" are fired once a) they begin to go through puberty, b) they go to 4th grade, and c) they begin to listen to decent music instead of Hannah Montana. The voices of these "rising stars" are too high, and often dripping with faux emotion.
2. Someone stuck in the 2nd grade who thinks that Kidz Bop is cool and is all around childish.
1. "Dude, do you have that new Kidz Bop CD?"
"No, Dude, I don't listen to that shit."
2. "Have you even met her? She's such a Kidz Bop."
"She threw a fit because there weren't any red crayons... She's so Kidz Bop."
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When your computer's hard drive is overflowing with files and you have to go through and delete the excess files or your computer will either go slower than normal or prevent you from saving any more files.
Person 1: Why haven't you saved those photos I sent you from New Year's?
Person 2: I've got a bad case of computer bulimia.
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The best beer anywhere. Has been around since 1755, proving that the guys at Guinness know their shit about beer. Brilliant taste, not the stuff people call beer in America. Every good Irishman has (or should have) drank at least 1 pint of beer. Thank God Guinness came to America during the Irish potato famine, when many Irish natives came to America. Guinness can sometimes can be mistaken for Diet Coke with ice cubes...
Also had the best slogan ever:
"My Goodness, my Guinness!"
Dude 1: "Hey, you want some Budweiser?"
Dude 2: "No way, dude, Budweiser's for pussies."
Dude 1: "Then what d'you want?"
Dude 2: "Guinness."
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