Engineer

He solves problems. Not problems like "What is beauty?", because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. He solves practical problems. For instance, how am I going to stop some big mean Mother Hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer? Use a gun. And if that don't work? Use more gun. Like this heavy caliber tripod-mounted little ol' number designed by him, built by him, and you best hope.... not pointed at you

Heavy: Engineer, put dispenser here (pootis)