stoner

A stoner (the word refers to both male and female alike) is the antithesis of a Chav scum. It is a term that refers to someone who smokes copious amounts of cannbis. They are often referred to in a derrogatory fashion by the tabloid press and those who hold similar values; they are usually branded as lazy, useless people who do nothing other than get high (it is usually implied here also that the funding for such activities is either illegal, immoral or simply the dole) and generally a waste of space.

However, this is far from the truth. Stoners are statistically far more likely to get good jobs (or at least better jobs than the people who insult them) because they find it very difficult to be arsed to go and cause trouble for people. Hence, they often avoid the aquisition of a criminal record. They also have a very different mind set from the majority of non-stoners. They appreciate poetry, history, religion, meditation, music (there has never been a true stoner who never learned to strum a guitar), sleeping, playing video games and 'the beautiful sunset out there man, just look at it. It's like a million colours painted across my mind at the same time man. That is...that is.. that is, like, it man, that's what life is- right there in the sky in front of you, like you can just reach out and touch it' etc. on a much higher level and to a much greater extent than most people- having much more time to think about these things because they are not out mindlessly destroying bus-shelters, but rather inside, in the warm (usually with a large amount of food), with video games, some poetry and a doobie/reefer/marajuana ciggarette/splif/jay/joint.

The sole nemesis of the stoner is 'the munchies'. This is the time whilst getting high in which the stoner feels an inexplicable urge to eat everything (no seriously, everything) in their flat. This can be very dangerous as yesterday's pizza boxes, although an undeiably valuable source of cheese, are not great for the health and digestion of the average human being. It must be noted here that the increase in appetite caused by 'the munchies'
can act in the stoner's best interests as it forces them to actually stop rolling the joint in their hand and actually eat something for the first time in an age (the last time they got 'the munchies'). The quantities of food consumed whilst sufferering from 'the munchies' are staggerring. The average stoner will eat 12 times his/her own body weight
in under 15 minutes - this provides them with valuable nutrition which subsequently allows them to then hibernate for vast periods of time afterwards, during which they digest the food and prepare to smoke more dope.

Whilst high (or in between getting high and doing something else) the stoner will read things and interpret them on new and exciting levels e.g. 'wow man, this tofu burger says that it is ''kosher''! wicked man, i mean, that means that i can like, eat it man, and no-one will get hurt', but they also remember amazing quantities of facts - hence why they often pass exams and then go on to become writers.

where can they be found- in the winter months, the stoner hibernates in their flat, only coming out to converse with people who want to talk to them, score off them, score for them, score generally, have interesting pollitical views or have written a new poem.
In the summer, the stoners migrate to the festival tour. Many of them make their way to Glastonbury, but few actually managed to get a ticket and so are not let in. However, this does not dissuade the average stoner as they simply light up, shrug their shoulders, say 'that's the way it rolls man', and find a different festival to go to.

political values - usually slightly to the right of Marx and Mao, but only slightly. Freedom, peace and free-rizla for all are the average stoner's top three priorities.

music - anything from The Who and Pink Floyd through The Beatles and The Stones, out past Django Reinheart and Earl Scruggs, encapsulating folk (Dylan, Willie Nelson, Joan Baez etc) and finally reaching reggae (Marly obviously) and true rock (Led Zepplin and Guns n Roses being two classic examples). The only rule is that stoner music must not be violent or over-excessively loud - so punk, D&B, RnB and death metal are out.

that guy over there with long hair, red eyes, the faded CND t-shirt, a sandwich in one hand and a ridiculuosly large hand-rolled cigarette in the other is a stoner.

typical stoner phrases:
1)whoa, chill out man
2)lets get a toke on that?
3)peace man
4)pass the dutchy on the left hand side
5)excessive giggling

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