Taxidermist

1: a craftsman who shoots stuffs and mounts the skins of dead animals that are often protected species

2: a skin-care specialist for taxi drivers

1: it died of natural causes...honest

2: so exactly how long have you been sitting down?

41👍 29👎

Japanese Knotweed

A large herbaceous perrenial plant, native to Eastern Asia. It has hollow stems making it appear similar to bamboo, however it is in no way related. The stems can reach 3-4m in height every growing season. The leaves are green oval, and truncated at the base and it forms creamy white flowers on 6-15cm long racemes (wikipedia 2006)

This plant is every garden owners' worst nightmare. The botanical version of the bubonic plague. So much so that in the UK it is illegal to plant (under the wildlife and countryside act 1981).
If you cut it down, a new plant can re-grow from a segment of stem only a couple of centimeters long and the roots go deep into the ground. Because of this most domestic waste sites WILL NOT accept it, and it has to be taken to an incinerator, treated as hazardous waste.

If you find Japanese knotweed, there's not much you can do
you can:
1, spend your next 10 pay-cheques on specialists to remove it
2, try cutting it down yourself, burning the plant completely as you go, and dumping whatever herbicides you can get your hands on all over where it was and hope!
3, build a bonfire on top of the patch..and incinerate it
4, move house and let someone else deal with it

japanese knotweed...yeah...you want how much? fuck that, i'm moving

9👍 7👎

Fraggle Rock

another name for the isle of sheppey in kent...so...much...inbreeding!!
the name comes from a series that the muppets once showed, the occupents of the isle of sheppey (or fraggles) bear a close resembelence to the muppets themselves
if by some unfortunate accident you find yourself stranded on fraggle rock it will become clear that most, if not all, of the fraggles have gills and flippers.
fortunatly however fraggle rock is isolated from mainland england by a narrow two lane, and very ugly, lifting bridge that often prohibits access or exit to the island

non fraggle- "so mister...."
fraggle- "cant membre my name"
non fraggle- "so have you only had one set of grandparents....ever?"
fraggle- "yearh tharts roight"

18👍 20👎

The spotter’s guide to geeks

Geek: (geekus geekus)
Part of the homo-minor family of human being.

A part of the ever-increasing number of, ‘lower’ forms of human life. In nature a kind of ‘Troglodyte’, its burrow being a dark and damp room filled with old comic books and/or computer parts. Physically speaking there are many differences between the average human and a geek. The geek has a tendency to stoop with an arched back that will eventually develop into a kind of hump, possibly to store water in if a tap is too far away from the computer, the geek’s skin is covered in white and/or red blemishes and growths (this is thought to be some kind of camouflage), because of the dark environment they are used to living in they are often visually impaired and need to look or rather peer through thick glasses, the geek is very often of a very weak build and the strongest muscles in their body are, in fact located in the fingers and forearm as these are the only parts of the body with the most frequent uses. An interesting feature to the skin of a geek is the thick oily slime covering their bodies; this has a horrible odour and gives the geek a noticeable shininess. It is unknown as to why the geek has developed this, but a recent study into the matter by St Beckham’s university of geekology has shown that it is used as a kind of defensive precaution 1) because any physical contact will merely slip off the surface and 2) because the horrifying smell will cause the enemy, or predator, to retreat to a safe distance and the geek then uploads a virus onto the said enemy’s computer.
To a geek the computer is the source of life, if it was legal they would marry it, frequently the computer was hand built by the geek and has better/more expensive components than every one else. A geek takes great pride in his/her computer, and attempts to become popular by boasting that their computer has the greatest graphics/sound/whatever card, processor, hard drive and/or software so that no one can hack into it and is totally immune to viruses. Often this is completely false. If a geek feels that their computer is under threat or has been insulted in any way, they will proceed to upload a virus, or nowadays ‘upload packets’ onto the computer of those doing the threatening or insulting causing great annoyance.
Over time a geek somehow becomes physically attached to their computer, there are reported cases of geeks showing withdrawal symptoms if they are too far away from their computer, these include vomiting, foaming at the mouth and over all extreme annoying and sometimes violent behaviour.
Geeks are often timid creatures but, if provoked, will attack using its array of defence mechanisms. These include the oily slime secreted over its body (see above) and a very venomous bite. Increased exposure to computers, especially in a geek burrow, leads to the development of certain glands in the body, these glands have been named ‘geek-syndrome growths’, not much about these abnormalities is known, as a full autopsy of a geek has not been performed yet, apart from two commonly used by the geek in it’s defence. One of them is an abnormality in the skin, it takes from of almost chronic acne that covers the whole body, but is in fact small slime-secreting glands that contribute to the geek’s protective slime layer. The other is located in the back of the mouth, a kind of venom gland similar to that found in many species of snakes throughout the world. A geek is very unknown to a dentist and will, almost definitely, have serrated pointy teeth that are close to razor sharp, a tooth brush or indeed dental hygiene is unknown to many geeks so is the perfect breeding ground for many rare, and sometimes unique cultures of bacteria this is often recognisable from the horrific bad breath (imagine corpse rotting in a swamp).
Combined, the venom, bacteria and razor sharp teeth means that the geek has a potentially lethal bite. Geek-syndrome develops in different ways from geek to geek so no accurate definition can be given concerning the bites and this also means that no effective anti venom can be developed, but in many cases the venom causes excruciating pain, paralysis and in worse cases heart failure, if the victim survives the poison they will have to endure bacterial diseases for example; gangrene, tetanus, hepatitis and in the worst cases necrotising faciiis (also known as the flesh eating bacteria, only curable through amputation). If in a conflict with a geek always avoid being bitten and deal with them as you would a chav, that is to corner them in a corner, dark alleyway etc, with clenched fists the geek will then proceed to shit themselves, if not start punching and/or kicking them until screaming or unconscious (preferably both). Remember that a conflict or argument with a geek generally leads to viruses being uploaded (allegedly).
The mating habits of geeks are best not spoken of, not that it is a very rare occurrence as the geek will often look grotesque to the eye, but that a geeks severe deformities is a very disturbing thought to be connected with another with similar such abnormalities.
Spotting a geek is surprisingly difficult, even though the severe mal-formations would-logically- make them stick out like a sore disease ridden thumb, but it is because the geek very rarely leaves their burrows and may never have seen the outside world before. However they are surprisingly easy to find on the internet, usual habitats include video game forums, chat rooms and MMORPGs (massively multiplayer role playing games), look out for screen names including numbers to replace letters in a word, and also incoherent and non-understandable pronouns, for example the usage of square brackets and random letters ( ) means that they belong to some kind of internet ‘clan’. Also look out for people advertising their own web sites and/or some kind of product, this also suggests geek-syndrome.

It is possible to cure Geek-syndrome through a process called disarmament, this includes, surgical removal from a computer, dental correction and extraction of the main geek growths as described above. After this is the introduction to ‘real life’ for example a girl/boy friend. This process can cause a geek to make a full recovery so that it can re join the rest of society performing pointless tasks in their new disorientated, brainwashed state of mind.

coming soon.....the spotters' guide to chavs

17👍 38👎

The American Dream

"The american dream is that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with oppertunity for each according to ability or achievement. it is a difficult dream for the european upper classes to interpret adequatly, and too many of ourselves have grown weary and mistrustful of it. it is not a dream of motercars and high wages mearly, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognised by others regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position." (taken from "the epic of america" by Truslow Adams 1921 i.e the first time the words 'the american dream were used')- translation...the americans cant fulfill this as long as they try to out live everyone else and allways have a bigger and better thing then everyone else regardless of wether or not everyone else is, in fact american. it can also be said that this is an idea of absoloute equality, how is this the case when there exsts a president of the united states that can go to was with whatever country it feels like. AS LONG AS THERE IS AN EMPLOYER AND AN EMPLOYEE THERE IS NO EQUALITY

see american political system

74👍 41👎