Procrastibaking

Procrastination by baking homemade goods instead of working on a task that’s due for work or school.

Son: Mom, what are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be working on your report?
Mom: I thought I’d make you & your friends some homemade banana nut muffins!
Son: Ah. Procrastibaking again.

Procrasticooking

Procrastinating by deciding to make a whole meal from scratch. Cooking for no reason other than to procrastinate on a task you need to start.

I really need to finish that report but I think I’ll make some beef stroganoff real quick. Is it considered procrasticooking if there are actually people here to eat it?

Constirrhea

The unfortunate physical situation of having diarrhea while simultaneously being constipated.

“Oh man, my stomach is cramping and spasming constantly because I have diarrhea but I’m so constipated it won’t come out.”

“Wow man, it sounds like you’ve got constirrhea. That really sucks.”

Harkle Humanitarianism

When you work for a social cause solely because of something you want to change to benefit yourself. Otherwise you wouldn’t do anything to help. You use other people as props for a social “problem” you want changed to stop people from criticizing you or to get credit for something you never actually do, or both.

Meghan Markle: Harry, I’m the most trolled person in the world! Let’s start a foundation and never give money of our own. We just need to attach ourselves to small established charities and then take over their activities and put our name first. That way we give very little to nothing and yet we get all the credit! And for the mental health day, let’s call it a “summit” and get People magazine to say Archewell is hosting it and don’t mention all the real charities that organized this day and worked with the real victims. Act like we are the big donors. And then we can take credit for it, sit on stage with microphones, next to the US Surgeon General & Carson Daly, and pontificate about the topic! We’ll be the best humanitarians in the world & go after all the issues we don’t like. Like people who criticize us on social media or in the press. I mean the 1st Amendment IS bonkers, right?! That’s our brand! Harkle Humanitarianism!”