Hat Spat

A chap shap in Carrick where you can get a big feed for fook all, although it used to be cheaper when Maccers was getting his chicken fillet burger out of it every day when we were wee, and his head was so greasy it looked like he'd sprung a leak.

The Hat Spat sells fash suppers, sassij suppers, qwarter pounders, chacken fallat burgers, and pink pasties. Pink pasties are fookin blindin'. The onion rangs are good too, but they'll give you a greasy arse. The chaps are cooked in beef dripping and are the best chaps in the world, full stap.

I'm heading down the Hat Spat. I'm busting for a pasty supper. No, make it a pasty bap supper and givvus another chap, and throw a wee battered sassij on thur too. Im fuckin Hank Marvin.

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northern ireland

Noun: A distinct political unit, for all intents and purposes a country in its own right, located at the top north-east corner of the island of Ireland, comprised of six of the nine counties of Ulster.

Also known as God's Own Country or God's Chosen Six Counties, generically as Ulster or the Province, and most often shortened in literature to Norn Iron. A little country of a mere 1.5 million people, where job opportunities and social cohesion are so absent that most of the population drinks heavily and hates everyone else.

Vodka is cheap here, as is beer, thank god.

Northern Ireland contains everything that is good about the island of Ireland. The Northern Irish people have a dark self-deprecating sense of humour. We also beat England in 2005 in a football match and we'll never let them forget it.

Lots of people in Northern Ireland are inbred. Guinness tastes better up here, too.

Northern Ireland has many enemies in the wider world, but mostly they are just haters, jealous of Our Wee Country.

Foreigner : Northern Ireland? Never heard of it.
Me : It's fulla wankers mate. But it's home.

"We're not Brazil, we're Northern Ireland"
(popular football song)

Northern Ireland. The home of tatty bread and brown lemonade.

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Norn Iron

Shortened colloquial form of Northern Ireland

Here mate, I was on haliday in Spain and ran into these fit birds from back home. They were so excited to see someone from Norn Iron they sucked me off there and then.

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Ulster

1) an ancient province of Ireland, in the north of the island, six counties of which make up Northern Ireland. Sometimes pronounced 'ulser'

2) Home of the Big Girl.

3) A style of cooking, for example ulster fry

"Ulster never shall be free
Not while the Big Girl is still hungry"

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Chaps

Northern Ireland noun referring to fat potato chips. Usually they have to come from a chap shap and be cooked by a big girl. Best cooked in beef dripping and slathered in red sauce and salt n vinegar. Also good with a tinna coke.

If only their chaps didnt taste so good, I would wanna eat them all the time. Ah well, sure I'm fat anyway.

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not brazil

An expression epitomising the dark northern ireland humour we are famous for. Popularised in the football song 'We're not brazil, we're nothern ireland'.

"My eyes have seen the glory of Espana 82
We're little northern ireland show the world what we can do
With Laurie as our leader and we're coming after you
And this is why we sing

We're not brazil we're northern ireland
We're not brazil we're northern ireland
We're not brazil we're northern ireland
And its all the same to me
ULSTER!

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Carrick

Noun: a short form of Carrickfergus, a medium-sized seaside town in Northern Ireland, home to a castle, some decent pubs, and more inbred people than Ballycarry.

Although there are other towns prefixed with Carrick- , it is generally accepted that it refers to Carrickfergus.

There are virtually no shops in Carrick. There are a lot of hairdressers, several banks, two places to get chaps (the Hat Spat and the Castle Chippie) and a shitload of offies. There are also a million places you can get your fuckin head bate in.

There are two roads out of Carrick. The one to Belfast has always got a traffic jam on it. The other one goes to Larne, so obviously there's only ever a load of lorries on it.

Carrick is populated by two types of people: Carrick People and everyone else. Everyone else doesn't want to live there, but they have been shat on from a high height at some stage.

Jonty 1 : here mate wheredyou com fram?
Jonty 2 : Carrick, leeek.
Jonty 1 : Lies ta fuck! My mates fram thur. Ja'no Jonty?

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