the claw

Description of the rigid, curled, hook-like state of one's hand after a successful bout of masturbation during the trip from the sofa to the bathroom, complete with sticky liquid dripping off, albeit not of the blood-red colour…

"Man, my mum barged into the living room right in the middle of me doing THE CLAW..."

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Essex spine

A phrase referring to the tattoo commonly located on the lower back of females of the peasant underclass. Its origins can be traced back to areas of Essex although the trend has become widespread across the country. The tattoo can be spotted in the area between the jeans/thong and the shirt of the lady and is distinguishable by its resemblance to a diagram of a female's uterus and ovaries (although they feebly claim it is tribal art).

"She's got an Essex Spine…and therefore must have a caravan and a host of venereal diseases to match."

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Tokyo Optician

A sexually promiscuous young lady, ie. someone who has seen her fair share of jap's eyes

"Hey, I think I'm in there..."
"Don't flatter yourself my friend, she's a Tokyo optician."

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Gentleman's completion

For a man to bring himself to an an honourable and satisfying climax through masturbation.

Sit back, relax, and bring yourself to a Gentleman's Completion

"Bloody hell, have you seen those pics of Jessica Simpson? I had to go home in a rush..."
"How was it?"
"Gentleman's completion..."

Chinese helicopter pilot

To be at the critical point in masturbation, whereby your facial contortions and arm movements cause you to mimic the appearance of a chopper pilot from the Orient.

"What's wrong, man?"
"My mum walked in on me while I was watching Deep Throat, and I looked like a Chinese helicopter pilot"

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Wanker's remorse

The slight feeling of guilt a man feels immediately after masturbation, brought about by a possible sense of shame, regret, hollowness inside about the absence of a girlfriend, or all of the above. This come-down is normally felt by a man who realises that his onanistic practices are merely filling the void in his life that should be occupied by a girlfriend and this feeling is nature's way of telling him that evenings alone in front of the TV sat flicking between late-night Bongo channels is not the answer.

I was bored again last night so I choked the chicken, which was ineveitably followed by Wanker's Remorse

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scouse wedding

An extremely violent and alcohol-induced brawl involving two large sections of opposing men, women and children. Usually from Liverpool.

"Have you heard the news about the MiddleEast?"
"I know, it's turned into a right scouse wedding."

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