trucker

Scientific name: Stankious Janktious Buffooneratium.

Synopsis
A janky, pungent waste of carbon molecules formed when a human host (generally mentally retarded or otherwise janky) is infected with a bacterial symbiote from the anhydrous planet Janky-Dell-Nokimotoranoobina. Upon contagion, the symbiote moves swiftly through the host's body, seizing control over the host's brain and reproductive organs.

Effects
Known effects on males include decreased penile stature and increased libido. Symptoms of the contagion are rarely evident in females; most are simply dormant carriers. However, cases of females showing symptoms have been documented and are most prevalent in butch females of the homosexual persuasion, or female slaves of a male of the species.

The contagion is known to cause massive hair redistribution from the scalp to other parts of the body, as well as a severe thickening of the skull. The host's eyes glaze over and the host body begins to emit a rotten smell as the decomposition of brain and muscle tissue commences.

Origins
As the symbiotes come from an anhydrous planet, they induce severe hydrophobia in the host. This causes the cessation of all hygienic rituals as performed by the host prior to infestation, contributing greatly to the smell generally associated with truckers.

Behavior
Truckers are typically seen attempting to mate with a potential victim regardless of the victim's attractiveness or pungency. A trucker will do anything--including sacrificing a fellow trucker--in order to be able to attempt to insert its flaccid, wispy four-inch penis into an underage female of the host's species and make them a carrier of the contagion.

Symbiote-infested creatures typically take jobs in road freight delivery to increase the potential for future planetary domination. The trucker intentionally attempts to drive poorly, aiming to increase traffic congestion. This causes people to inadvertently hear country music emitting from truck windows for longer continuous periods than normal, which further breaks down potential hosts' brain matter, leading to a speedier infestation of the host.

Infested creatures are known to frequently dispose of their excrements in bags, jugs, and other containers. The substance is an extremely powerful neurotoxin, having an LD50 of a mere 20 nanograms. This container is then thrown out of the host’s truck and onto the highway systems of the native land, becoming a so-called "Trucker bomb." Truckers' close cousin Wetmexiback Essajanktia Beanerus, or Latino-American, later cleans the Trucker bombs from the road to be used in the preparation of a sludge called Papst Blue Ribbon. The North America Symbiotic Collective Assimilation Regime, or NASCAR, then sells this Papst Blue Ribbon to citizens of the United States and surrounding areas to further weaken their brains and make them more vulnerable to symbiotic attacks.

Identifying
Fortunately, truckers are easy to spot. They are typically seen eating moon pies or beef jerky, and wearing NASCAR and/or Copenhagen clothing flannel, plaid shirts and wranglers, or sweatpants.

Culture
Truckers are huge fans of country music. This is an interesting paradox, as the creatures are unable to hear due to a waxy buildup in their ears. Top scientists studying the creatures theorize that the frequency composition of country music aids in the decomposition process of the host's brain, easing the symbiote's digestion of it.

Defense
In case of attack by a trucker, it is best to remain calm. The density of their skull renders them unable to identify body language and other sub-speech communication. However, your best weapon against a trucker is verbal expression of intelligent thought, as it will completely disable the trucker's little remaining capacity for thought and physical movement. In the event that verbal expression of intelligent thought is unavailable, high-power tasers are recommended as a sure-fire alternative. Note that low power tasers will often fail and yield no results due to the thick, greasy build-up on the bodies of most truckers, and even high power tasers must have their projectiles fired at close range (less than 5 yards).

In the near-fatal event that none of the aforementioned trucker-stopping methods are available for use, technology can serve as an effective defense. It is like kryptonite to a trucker: if you put a new, expensive, high-end electronic gadget in the vicinity of a trucker, he or she will flee in terror, not unlike as a vampire would from a garlic covered crucifix shaped bottle of Holy Water sitting in the sun.

Because truckers hate technology to such a vile extent, technology-exposed truckers will likely explode into a blind rage and attempt to kill anyone who forces said technology onto him. Technologies capable of so powerfully repelling truckers most particularly include laptops and cellular phones. But, fear not, as truckers are dim-witted and not well known for their athletic prowess. Simply recite the powers of 2 until you reach 4,096 and give him a swift kick to the right nut and he will fall like the twin towers.

Statements commonly made by truckers:
"How do I use this new fangled fone (indicating a 5 year old nokia)?"
"Where's the bathroom?" (it's 20 feet away and there's signs aplenty indicating where it is!)
Statements commonly made by non-Truckers:
"What a god damn stupid trucker."
"Stupid trucker."

18👍 91👎