Fake Splooge

On the rare occasion when a male is unable to achieve climax during sex he must carefully preform a fake splooge. To properly execute a fake splooge you flip the girl on her stomach, immediately increasing thrust speed while feigning excitement. After approximately 20 seconds at maximum thrust speed, the male withdraws completely from the vagina, utters a deep, guttural groan, hocks an ample loogie on to his unsuspecting partners bare buttocks thus successfully executing a fake splooge.

“After hammering my secretary at work this morning, I went to lunch with my wife. She demanded a quickie in the bathroom, I had no choice but to fake splooge”

puerto rican relief package

When having intercourse with a woman whose appearance is well below a 4, achieving climax is sometimes quite laborious for the male. The female, however, has no problem climaxing because of the rare nature of her booty calls. Because she’s exhausted from her multiple orgasms and unfamiliar with sexual etiquette she ceases coitus operations prematurely, leaving her partner unsatisfied. In such cases it is common for the female to deliver a Puerto Rican Relief Package which consists of a bottle of lotion, a box of tissues, and a vintage Hustler magazine.

“I fucked the ugliest girl for 2 hrs last night and just couldn’t cum. At least the bitch gave me a Puerto Rican Relief Package”