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n. - A sexually transmitted virus that causes painful blisters that usually occur on the lips, genitals, and eyes. Genital Souties occur in rashes, or outbreaks, when the Souties Simplex Virus becomes active in the skin. Unlike Genital Herpes, which cause puss-filled blisters, Genital Souties are known to cause blisters that bear a distinctive resemblance to Brian Souter. Souties are known to have thick glasses, bushy beards, and are particularly painful in that Souties - unlike Herpes - are able to speak. Known to consistently harass the victim with endless conspiracy theories, Genital Souties often lead to suicide in victims who are desperate to escape the inane conspiracy talk.
Despite some available treatment options, there is no cure for Genital Souties. Ask your doctor about treatment options such as Soutrex. The only way to prevent Genital Souties is to avoid contact with conspiracy theorists.
Doctor: Son, I'm afraid I have some bad news: It's Genital Souties.
Victim: (begins weeping) Oh God, why did I keep going with that girl after she started talking about government mind control!
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n. - A deadly disease that ravaged much of Europe and the western world in the Medieval Ages, and can still be found to this day. Tinfoil Plague (or the Tin Death, as it is sometimes called) was once thought to be spread by the bite of conspiracy theorists, but as we now know it is actually transmitted by the head lice they carry.
Symptoms of the Tin Death include large, silvery-metallic blisters that break into open sores, uncontrollable babbling and shaking, vomiting, coughing, high fever, sudden devotion to conspiracy theories, and explosive diarrhea. Symptoms generally begin within a few days of being bitten by one of the lice from a conspiracy theorist's head. More robust victims can often withstand a few weeks before deteriorating into full-blown conspiracy theorists, but others succumb to the Tin Death much quicker.
Treatment of the Tinfoil Plague requires anticonspiriotics, usually Soutercilin. Even with Soutercilin, intense therapy is needed to bring a victim back into touch with reality. Survivors of the Tin Death are still at high risk of developing malignant tinfoil tumors.
If you think you may have symptoms of Tinfoil Plague, contact your doctor immediately.
Protect yourself from the Tinfoil Plague: Avoid all conspiracy theorists and the infectious head lice they carry.
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