Ertz

Ertz (er-ts) – (v) to display amusement or enjoyment at an act or event which has recently taken place; to greet a comrade or brother in arms; to indicate support and unity with those around you; to indicate a level of intoxication induced by alcohol;
(n) a symbol of affection for one’s counterparts; a pose performed in front of famous landmarks; (colloq.) ‘I am awesome and I respect those around me, whom I find to be equally as awesome’

The Ertz has a proud and established history which has encapsulated the feelings, aspirations and hearts of a generation. The successful exponential growth of the Ertz has many, including academic scholars, code breakers, astrophysicists and postmen, pondering its creation and meteoric rise to fame. Does this contemporary question have roots in a far gone era? Or perhaps from a cataclysmic struggle of good verses evil as seen in the film Kickboxer, where Kurt Sloane overcomes Thong Po in an epic battle in the art of Muay-Thai. It is a question with many theories, fables and myths, some of which are listed below. Read on, students of the Ertz, and draw your own conclusions…..

Allegedly the Ertz was introduced to Cartmel College by Me mate Al!!! when he visited the campus in 2001. After watching American Psycho Al enjoyed the part where Patrick Bateman rags the hooker, whilst looking at himself in the mirror, so much that he adopted a similar pose to one of the several used during that scene- The Ertz. The term derives from the saying that is produced when thrusting the loins forward in the act of sexual penetration.


On an infamous visit to Cartmel, in a state of intoxication, the Ertz was used instead of vocabulary and the arms were flung up in a now recognisable stance. Furthermore, to add to the overall effectiveness of the Ertz, a hip pounding forward movement was incorporated to mimic the scene from the film. This movement of the groin area was, unfortunately, later lost due to protests from the feminist movement that plagues Lancaster University- usually referred to as ‘Fem-soc’- again, a perfect example of good verses evil; evil which has manifested itself a reluctant fanny personified as a dungaree clad Dutch water barrier.

However, other experts (and by that I that drunk Ulsterman) believe that the ERTZ dates back to the Mesopotamian era. Of course, this is an entirely ridiculous notion, but Prof Sh@nks is currently standing over me as I write this and it shall therefore be treated with the validity of any other…. Even though it’s shite.

According to ‘Professor’ Sh@nks, of Chlamydia College, Oxford, and his assistant, the lovely Joan Miller (known as quite the hotty around the anthropology department), the Mesopotamians used it as an affirmation of masculinity in the face of adversity. Duels were often commenced and resolved with the swift execution of an ERTZ. It is often said that King Nebuchadnezzar could be seen killing men from 10 yards with an ERTZ atop his Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

As time progressed, so did the ERTZ. Italian lothario Sugar Ray Podda has recently claimed that the Egyptians used the ERTZ as a sophisticated seduction method. Obviously this is an outrageous claim, and the ‘scientific’ community has since turned their back on the four testacled scholar. But as Podda pointed out “I’ll be back eh”. Of course you will Senor Podda… of course you will.

Through the various epochs that followed, many a famous name through history could be found ERTZing once in a while. It is said that Henry VIII ERTZed consistently throughout his waking hours during his six month ‘sham marriage’ to Anne of Cleves. She is said to have found it “more than a little distracting while love-making”, while Henry is quoted as describing it as “like shagging while firing an arrow” (Henry was also a big darts fan).

In his biography of William Shakespeare, Colonel Pim Malco Fryers is said to have been the first ‘academic’ to have outed the Bard. Claiming that Shakespeare indulged in rampant homosexual acts, identifying his homosexuality to potential lovers (often under the age of 9) with a limp-wristed version of the ERTZ. Unfortunately for Fryers, he was later outed himself by his arch-enemy George Michael who accused him of stealing material. Mr Michael’s claim was later thrown out of court and a lynch mob greeted him at his Oxfordshire mansion. Judge Pinnington presided. It was a Thursday. And it rained. The mob brought umbrellas.

More recently, Dr Tim Stonewall of Hollywood Hospital, Bognor Regis, has claimed that Field Marshall Hague could be seen ERTZing every time a German soldier was killed during the Great War of 1914-1918 (it was a good war, but it wasn’t great. Best soundtrack? Vietnam). Obviously Stonewall had no evidence to back up his claims apart from a poorly forged photograph of Field Marshall Hague executing the ERTZ which, when examined closely, could clearly be seen to be Mr Stonewall himself with a poorly constructed handlebar moustache blue-tacked to his face. Unfortunately for Stonewall, the blue tack had been spiked with superglue by a mischievous imp of a man known as James of York to his friends (and That Cock That Lives Down the Street to his enemies). After 14 hours of surgery, Doctors abandoned procedures and declared Mr Stonewall dead. Unfortunately for them he wasn’t. Their mistake was not revealed until Stonewall arose from his hospital bed and took a leak on the chief surgeon’s shoes, one Dr Weeks, proclaiming “fix this now or I’ll shit in your face”. Dr Weeks gave the moustache a tug, and off it came. The rest, as they say, is boring.

In the present day, the Ertz has gained cult appeal thanks to support from such Hollywood stars as Tom Cruise, Gene Hackman, Brad Pitt and Rick Waller, the latter being more of an enormous shit than a Hollywood star. No matter how hard the Ertz has tried to shake off that fat wanker, he still persists in displaying it whenever a camera (usually a tourist’s rather than paparazzi) happens to zoom out far enough to fit him in. This has led to one leading Ertzer, the current Marquis de Sade, Big Hands John III, to place a price on the fat “singer’s” head. It is believed a man known only as Eddie Valentino is currently in pursuit of the obese prick, who is thought to be in hiding in Romford.

So there you have it, from early to obvious, the history of the Ertz as it is (or isn’t depending on your view). But it’s not important who created it, or who lied to who. Oh no, the important thing is that it survived – it’s here, it’s queer, and it’s drinking all your beer. Oh yes, the Ertz is here to stay – and will be making chumps look cool for centuries to come.

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